


This year, if it kills me

by robotwitch



Series: Once more for the ages [27]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 05:54:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18959218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotwitch/pseuds/robotwitch
Summary: The year long cross-country journey that bonds Ellie and Joel together, through Ellie's eyes.  A retelling of The Last of Us if there was no outbreak.





	1. Summer

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crossover of Naughty Dog properties, an alternate universe where there is no Cordyceps Brain Infection outbreak and everyone lives. Both the Uncharted and The Last of Us characters are here and very much alive, (eventually) brought together through Cassie and Ellie's chance meeting at summer camp.

Blood splatters across her face as the dog’s teeth sink deep into her arm.  It growls fiercer, prey caught in its jaws as she tries to wrench herself free of its grasp.

“Ellie!”

“Run, Riley!”

But she is paralyzed, her gun hanging loose in her bleeding hand.  Riley’s the one who’s got to make it; she’s got the vial.  She’s the one Marlene’s counting on; she’s the Firefly.

“Fucking go!” Ellie yells again, sharp pain mingling with terror.

“I’ll come back for you!”

Ellie doesn’t turn to see if Riley’s made it through the hole they cut in the fence or not, angling an awkward kick to the dog’s stomach.  It yelps as Ellie scrambles to her feet, more guard dogs closing in on her heels.

Flashlights dart across the darkness.  Uniformed men spot her bolting, “There’s one!”

 _Just a little further_ , she wills herself to run faster.  _Riley’s just on the other side._

Intent on her escape, Ellie doesn’t see the crack in the concrete.  Her knees are scraped through her jeans as she crashes to the ground.

Someone grabs her shoulder as Ellie pushes herself back up, blinded for a moment by the searing pain in her arm.

“What the fuck?  You’re just a kid!”

Pulling it from her pocket, Ellie slashes wildly with her switchblade and the guard jumps back, letting go.  Stunned by her lunge, Ellie takes her chance and darts through the fence.

She runs until she can’t see the lights of the facility.  She runs until she can’t run any further.

Breathing heavily, “I really hope you made it, Riley.”

\----------

Marlene crosses her arms; she’s always stern, but this is downright anger.  “What the hell were you even doing there?”

Ellie stares down at the fresh bandage covering the bite, deep and ugly.  She watched as the medic stitched it up, but despite the tidy sutures, she knows there will be an awful scar.

Avoiding eye contact, “I followed Riley.  I wanted to prove I could be a Firefly –”

“Cut the crap, Ellie.  You could have jeopardized the whole mission.”

“But I didn’t!  We got the –” Marlene’s eyes narrow dangerously and Ellie bites her tongue.

But they did it.  They got the vial, but they almost didn’t get away because of her.  And she still doesn’t know what happened to Riley.  For all Ellie knows, Riley could’ve been caught trying to come back for her.  And then both Riley and Marlene’s precious test-tube would be lost.

Slowly, Marlene extracts something from her coat and Ellie’s eyes go wide.  It’s the stupid vial they risked everything to get for Marlene – for the Fireflies.  For the cause.

Gasping, “Riley made it?  Where is she?  Can I see her?”

“No.  Riley’s on probation.”

“What?  That’s bullshit!”

“She disobeyed my specific instructions and you were compromised as a result.”

“Come on, Marlene!  You know this was on me!  Riley had nothing to do with it!”

Marlene shakes her head, “You don’t get it, do you, Ellie?  They saw you.  They’ll be coming after you and they won’t stop ‘til they find you and get back what’s theirs.”

Ellie doesn’t remember getting to her feet, but suddenly her knees want to give out.

“What we need to do now is get you and _this_ out of Boston.  Sit tight while I arrange the details.  And in the meantime, we’ll find you a shirt to keep that covered,” she nods toward Ellie’s arm.

The door clicks behind Marlene with the telltale sound of a lock.  Ellie doesn’t have a choice in this.

\----------

Ellie is moved to a safehouse, far across the city, away from headquarters.  Marlene doesn’t visit, but the medic does come by after about a week to remove the stitches.

“How much longer do I have to stay here?”

“That’s up to Marlene.”

They move her again a day or so later.  No Marlene, no answers.

It’s quiet here, not even the sound of Firefly activity on the other side of the door.  Ellie passes the time flipping her switchblade in and out, jabbing the empty air, when Marlene finally comes.

Jumping up, “Finally.  I’m losing my fucking mind in here.  What’s going on?”

“They took some tracking down, but I’ve found some folks who can get you out of Boston.”

Ellie swallows.  She hoped Marlene wasn’t serious, that this would all blow over, but Marlene doesn’t kid.  Deep down, Ellie knew this wouldn’t be over that easily.

Taking Ellie by the shoulder, “I know this is a lot to ask, but I need you to do something for me.”

Ellie meets Marlene’s eye, “What is it?”

From her coat, Marlene withdraws the stupid vial that started this whole mess.  “Do you know what this is?  Or why I asked Riley to get this for me?”

She shakes her head; she never asked.  Ellie wasn’t totally lying before, she did want to prove herself, but not to Marlene.

“This is a mutated cordyceps fungus, highly infectious and lethal.  If released, it could topple nations.  The Fireflies caught wind the government was planning to contaminate portions of foreign populations with it.”

“What?  Why would they do that?”

“I don’t know, but that’s why we took it off their hands.  I have friends who can study it, maybe find a vaccine in case the government goes through with their plans.  Can I trust you to deliver it to them for me?”

Marlene holds out the vial and Ellie’s fingers curl around the glass, “You can count on me.”

\----------

“Shit.  Marlene, what happened?”

“Doesn’t matter.  What matters now is these two are going to get you out of Boston.”

Ellie can’t tell if it was a bullet or a knife, but Marlene’s losing a lot of blood.  She doesn’t understand how Marlene could be more concerned about her at a time like this.

“How do you know we can trust them?”

Marlene gives her a sharp look, a reminder she’s not supposed to tell anyone about the vial, then nods at the man.  “Joel’s brother, Tommy, was a Firefly.  He said if I was ever in a jam, I could rely on him.”

“Was?”

Grimacing, “We won’t get another shot at this.”

“Like hell.  We’re not taking her anywhere until I’ve seen the cargo,” the woman demands.

Conceding, “Then let’s not waste time, Tess.  Ellie, you’ll stay with Joel.”

“Bullshit.  I’m not going with him –”

“I don’t think that’s the best idea –”

They’re both silenced by Marlene’s raised hand.  “Ellie, no more talking.  You’ll be fine.”

Ellie glances at the man, equally as pissed about this.  Good to know they’re at least on the same page.

\----------

“Your watch is cracked.”

Joel – Ellie thinks that’s what Marlene called him – merely grunts in response.  He closes his eyes as rain begins to patter against the window, leaving Ellie to her own devices.

They might as well have left her at the other safehouse if they were just going to sit and wait some more.  But that’s not how collateral works, and that’s all she is to these people.

She waves a hand in front of Joel’s face to make sure he’s not peeking then reaches for the vial, checking it’s still in place beside her switchblade.  Ellie lets out a shaky breath; she doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to carrying something so dangerous so close to her chest.  She’s ready to get a move on.

She’s carving spiral designs into the top of a desk when Joel starts to mutter in his sleep.  Ellie considers waking him, but lets him be, turning her attention to the window.

At least here, Ellie recognizes certain landmarks; it’s as if all of Boston is alight except their dark, little room.  And for just a moment, there’s a twinge of regret as she realizes she’s about to leave the only home she’s ever known.

Joel wakes with a start.

Ellie glances back at him, “You mumble in your sleep.  I hate bad dreams.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“You know, I’ve never left Boston before.”

“First time for everything.”

“You always this chatty?”

Ellie senses the retort on the tip of his tongue, but it vanishes as his partner returns.

\----------

They argue like she’s not even here, the cops that accosted them out cold at their feet.

“This isn’t worth it, Tess.  Getting her out of the city is one thing but getting her ‘cross country with _that_ is a whole other story.”

Tess clutches the vial so tight her knuckles are practically white.  “Yes, thank you for your input, Joel.  But it’s a little late for your reservations now.”

“Jesus.  What do you even think Marlene’s got planned for that?”

“I don’t know.  But I’d bet it’s a damn sight safer in her hands than the DOD.”

“Do you even hear yourself?  We know what the Fireflies are capable of.”

Losing her temper, Ellie shouts, “Hey!  Fuck you, asshole!  What do you know about it?”

Joel turns on her, but Ellie’s not intimidated.  He doesn’t know Marlene and he sure as hell doesn’t know her.

“Joel, enough,” Tess pushes past him and looks Ellie square in the eye, “No bullshit.  Where is this getting delivered?”

“Marlene didn’t say.  Only that there’s a Firefly out west who can use it to make a vaccine.”

“If the government were making a vaccine, the CDC’d already have it.”  Resigned, “Alright.   Joel, take the girl to Tommy’s.  He’ll know where to bring it –”

“No.  No fucking way, Tess.”

“You got a better fucking suggestion?” she snaps.  “Cause our operation here was finished the second those cops ID’d us.  But with what Marlene’s offering – we could set up anywhere.”

Joel paces, mustering for a fight; Ellie too, but they’re ignoring her again.

Tess puts a hand on his arm; Ellie can’t help but think the gesture is too intimate for mere partners.  Rationally, “Take the girl ahead of me.  I can tie up loose ends here.  Maybe set up a false trail, but _this_ , _her_ – _we_ need to get out of Boston.”

Joel shifts his weight, struggling to make a counterpoint, “All the more reason to stick together.”

“No way around it.  I’ll be right behind you, Texas.”  Tess presses the vial into Joel’s hand.

Defeated, Joel jerks his head in her direction, “Ellie, get a move on.”

\----------

“You know, Marlene entrusted the vial to me.”

Joel stops short, glaring.  “Let’s get a few things straight.  Marlene hired us to deliver you to the Fireflies that means you do what I say, when I say.  We clear?”

After hours of silence, Ellie wasn’t sure Joel would even speak to her.  He can be mad at Tess or Marlene or whoever-the-fuck else he wants to be mad at, but she didn’t ask for this either.

“Yes, sir,” Ellie mock salutes.  “What you say, goes.”

He gives her a long, hard stare, and for a second, she thinks he’s just gonna keep on walking, but then digs into his backpack.

A strange sense of relief washes over Ellie as he returns the vial.  Stealing it was Riley’s mission, getting caught was Ellie’s mistake; fixing it is her responsibility.

“So what’s next?”

“We need a car.”

\----------

They walk to Lincoln; Ellie suggests hitchhiking, but Joel shoots the idea down.  “Too risky.”

Though it would’ve been like one of those old movies, Ellie’s not too disappointed.  She’s never been hiking either.  Even though they’re not in the real wilderness, the fresh air is invigorating, like she could run the whole way.

Joel’s checking the map, when Ellie spots a flash of light near his ear.  He swats it away, but then another one appears practically at the tip of her nose.  Then there’s another one.  And another.

“Woah.  Look.  Fireflies.  I mean real fireflies”

“Yeah.  I see that.”  Joel’s unimpressed, though he doesn’t snap at her to stop dawdling.

Ellie’s entranced, but she senses Joel’s eagerness to keep moving.

“Sorry, I… I lost myself for a sec.”

They’ll never reach their goal if she stops to marvel at every new thing.  But she’s barely out of Boston and her world is so already so much larger.

\----------

Bill’s a fat asshole.  Ellie likes him.  Or rather, she likes how easily she can push his buttons.  He laughs for a long fucking time at Joel’s request, “Hotwiring not in your skillset?”

“Just get me a damn car.  You owe me.”

“Correction: I owe Tess.  Where the hell is she anyway?  Trouble in paradise?”

It wasn’t just Ellie’s imagination then.  She can’t see Joel’s face, but she watches his shoulders slump slightly; it makes her miss Riley.  If only Marlene had let her say goodbye.

While Bill and Joel hash out a deal, Ellie distracts herself, looking through Bill’s crap.  He’s got an absurd amount of porn, but mixed in with the magazines, an epic space age cover catches her attention.

Ellie pulls it off the shelf and starts reading, _At least it’s not sticky too._

“Hey!  What the fuck did I just say?”

Ellie automatically flips Bill off but puts the comic book back down.  But only until he’s not looking then she slips it into her backpack along with a couple others, if she lucky she’ll have gotten a few more issues and not just Bearskins.

Joel catches her grabbing a cassette tape for good measure.  Grumbling when Bill goes to make a call, “You trying to push our luck, stealing his shit?”

“I agreed to do what you say – not him.”  Noticing a new gun in his belt, “Do I get one of those?”

“No.”

“Oh, come on.  I can handle myself, Joel.”

“I said no.”  That’s the end of the discussion.

Bill comes back with good news, “Sounds like Frank might just have what you need.”

Ellie likes Frank.  Or rather, she likes how he’s better at pushing Bill’s buttons than she is.  He sets them up with a nondescript truck, “Shouldn’t raise too many red flags with the cops.”

On the road, Ellie resumes reading _Savage Starlight_ , and in the rearview mirror, she catches a sliver of a smirk on Joel’s lips.

\----------

They listen to the cassette on repeat, a bunch of old country music Joel claims is ‘even before his time’.  Ellie thinks she’s memorized all the words to ‘I’ll Never Get Out of This World Alive’ by the time they reach Pittsburgh.

They spend the night at a motel, eating a dinner of gas station snacks.  Ellie’s devouring a dessert of powdered donuts when Joel’s phone buzzes.

“Finally,” he breathes, looking at the number.  Stepping outside, “What took you so damn long?”

Peeking through the curtain, Ellie tries to listen in, but the sound from the phone is too muffled and what little Joel says is mumbled and low.  His last words are the clearest, “Remember to watch your back.”

He hangs up the phone then hangs his head.  There’ve been fleeting moments Ellie hasn’t felt like a complete burden to him.  Moments she thinks they might be connecting.  But mostly she thinks he can’t wait to be rid of her – just like everyone else.

Joel’s posture suddenly shifts as he punches in another number.  His tone is almost light, “Hey, it’s me.  Yeah, sorry it’s been so long.”

The voice on the other end is clearer, but Joel wanders further away from the room.

Unable to hear anymore, Ellie lets the curtain fall and climbs back onto the bed, pulling out _Savage Starlight_ again.  The ‘to be continued…’ taunts her.

Daniela was just beginning to understand her mission and purpose, all to come to a grinding halt.

Ellie doesn’t like cliffhangers.  The unease of not knowing what trials she’ll have to overcome, if she’ll succeed or fail, and when she completes her mission, what then?

It’s not like Ellie can go back to Boston, Marlene made that clear.  Maybe she could find Riley or maybe this will prove she’s worthy enough to join the Fireflies, though she’s still not sure she even wants to.

If she knew what came next, she wouldn’t be so scared of the ellipse at the end of the chapter.

\----------

Joel gases up the truck while Ellie runs into the station for the restroom key.  There’s a cluster of men smoking around back, mutts at their feet, noses twitching.  Ellie can ignore the men’s glares, but not the hounds as they pad forward to sniff at her backpack.

Some of the men have gone when she comes back out, but the dogs are more agitated than before.  As she returns the key, a couple of the men follow her into the store.  They head for the shelves, but Ellie can’t ignore the prickle at the back of her anymore.

Joel joins her at the counter to settle up, “Need anything else while we’re here?”

The bell above the door rings and Ellie lets out a small gasp.  All of the men are back, and they’ve brought reinforcements.  “You smuggling drugs onto our turf?”

Turning calmly, Joel faces them, “Don’t know what you mean.  We’re just passing through.”

“Don’t play dumb with us.  The girl’s got something in her backpack that we want.”

Joel’s voice lowers to no more than a rumble, “Get behind me.  Stay low.”

Doing as she’s told, Joel draws his gun and fires at their leader.  The bullet blasts a hole in his abdomen.  Ellie’s ears ring, “Holy shit!”

Joel rains fire on the gang, sidestepping to get behind cover.  A number of the thugs draw their own weapons, but one idiot lunges toward them.  Without hesitation, Joel spins his gun in hand and bludgeons the hilt against his head.

Ellie watched Joel and Tess take down cops in Boston, but this is unadulterated brutality.  With practically every hit Joel lands, she repeats, “Holy fucking shit!”

But as ruthless as Joel is, there’s too many of them to take on his own.  He doesn’t see the one hidden among the shelves.

“Behind you!” Ellie shouts, but instinct takes over and she leaps onto the thug’s back, burying her switchblade into his shoulder.

Slamming his attacker’s head into the counter, Joel barks, “Run!”

They break for the door, the bell jingling as they sprint through.  But their pace is broken as Joel stops short of the truck, tires slashed.

“Shit!  What do we do?”

“Keep moving.  Don’t look back.”

\----------

When they finally stop to catch their breath, Joel grabs Ellie’s arm, “You’re hurt.”

“What?”  Ellie looks down, the blood from the thug drying on her sleeve.  “Oh.  It’s not mine.”

Joel exhales and shakes his head, “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“I told you, I can handle myself.”

“What was my one rule?”

Ellie bites her tongue, not about to fight Joel, even if it would’ve gotten him killed.  “Fine.  What now?”

They have no car, no contacts, and clearly, no luck as they’ve run deeper into gang territory.

Joel holds his head in his hands as he thinks up a plan.  Pointing to a bridge all the way across the city, “There.  Let’s get out of the city.  Then see about finding us another car.”

Sighing, “Lead the way.”

\----------

It doesn’t take long for the gang to catch up with them.  They have cars; they know the turf.

Ellie and Joel skirt out of view, through alleys and crowded buildings.  Joel’s hand hovers over his gun, watching everyone warily.  Ellie’s more nervous about the dogs catching their scent.

They sneak out the back of a coffee shop.  Joel goes ahead, checking around the corner.  Ellie waits for his all clear, but it doesn’t come.  Instead all she hears are low grunts and a crack like thunder before her ears start to ring again.

“Joel?” she rushes forward without his go ahead.  “You’re scaring the fucking shit out of me.”

But it’s not Joel she comes face-to-face with.  A thug pins Joel down into a puddle; the gun just out of reach.

Gasping for breath, “Run!”

Automatically picking up her feet, Ellie darts down the alley.  The ringing fades with every step, leaving only the sound of Joel’s struggle.  She can’t leave him to die like this.

The gun is heavy and warm in her grip.  Ellie squeezes the trigger and flinches at the bang.

The bullet grazes the thug’s leg, but it’s enough to knock him off Joel.  Coughing and spluttering Joel rises to his feet and drags Ellie away, the gun smoking in her hand.

\----------

“I shot the fucking shit out of that guy.”  Ellie honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the thug had shit himself.  She nearly did.

Joel glares, “I told you to run.”

“Fuck that!  That’s the second time I saved your ass today!”

“Have you even held a gun before?  What if you missed?”

“But I didn’t!”  Barely.  Hell, a warning show in the air probably would’ve been enough to spook the thug.  But in the moment, Ellie only had one thought, “It was either him or you, so how about a ‘thank you’.”

Ellie matches Joel’s glare, but he refuses to speak.

Breaking eye contact, “We should keep moving.”

Sarcastically, “You’re welcome.”

\----------

Teaming up with Sam and Henry feels like their luck is improving, sharing the rumors they’ve heard about the Fireflies and leading them across the city to their safe house.  Though Ellie wouldn’t know it by Joel’s behavior, acting more like they’re extra burdens to him.

Once they reach the safe house, Sam pulls Ellie aside while the _adults_ talk, eager to show her his collection of action figures.  They’re cool, a few even remind her of _Savage Starlight_ characters.

“It just sucks cause Henry says I’ll have to leave them when we join up with the Fireflies.”

Ellie chews her lip, she’s barely given a second thought to the stuff she left behind – not that any of it mattered all that much to her.

Changing the subject, “Why are you guys looking for them anyway?”

Sam fidgets with one of the robots, avoiding eye contact, “Henry wants to join up.  Thinks they can bring the cop who shot our mom to justice.”

“What do you think?”

“I don’t know,” Sam shrugs.  “It’s hard to believe anyone cares what happens to people like us.”

Ellie shivers at Sam’s bleak outlook.  But then she’s never lost anyone like that.  Her mom was gone long before Ellie could remember her; she never had a dad to miss.

But Sam and Henry are the kind of people the Fireflies are supposed to help.  Whatever Marlene is trying to accomplish has to make some sort of difference for those who can’t help themselves.

“What about you?  Why are you and your old man looking for the Fireflies?”

It takes Ellie a second to realize who Sam means.  Laughing off the awkward pause, “Oh no, Joel’s not my dad.”

“Sorry.  I thought –”

“Come on, guys,” Henry calls them over.  “We’ve gotta get going.”

Putting the robot down, Sam falls in step with his brother without question.  Joel lingers by the door, waiting for Ellie as she slings her backpack over her shoulders.  Ellie brushes past without a word, still waiting for her ‘thank you’.

\----------

Ellie wishes she had asked what the plan was ahead of time because this is fucking disgusting, wading through murky sewer water.

But according to Henry, it should lead them straight around the bridge and out of gang territory where the Fireflies are stationed at an out-of-use radio tower.  So through the sewers they go.

Henry takes the lead, Sam sticking close.

Ellie trudges along by herself as Joel brings up the rear.  She’s dragging her feet enough that Joel walks into her as he’s looking over his shoulder.

Murmuring, “’cuse me.”

It’s the most he’s said to her in hours that wasn’t an order.  They stand awkwardly in the dark, waiting for the other to break the silence.

Ellie gives in first, “We probably shouldn’t let them get too far ahead.”

“Ellie, wait.  About before, just so we’re clear.  It was either him or me.”  He holds out the handle of a small handgun, putting emphasis on each word, “For emergencies only.”

Swallowing, “What made you change your mind?”

Joel nods ahead, “Them.  He thinks he can protect his brother against anything.  But sometimes you just can’t.  You should be prepared.”

As Joel walks Ellie through the basics, she realizes San didn’t even have the safety off when they met.  Henry took it from Sam when he and Joel called their truce and hasn’t given it back.

Holding out the gun for Ellie to take, “I’ll give you a real lesson later.  For now, don’t miss.”

“I won’t.”

\----------

The door slips from their fingers and slams shut, refusing to budge again.

“We’ll find another way through.  Just keep moving,” Joel shouts from the other side.

“Whoever finds the way out first wins,” Ellie attempts to lighten the mood, though neither Joel nor Henry are amused by the situation.

Sam, at least, is game, “You’re on.”

Henry wags a finger even though Joel can’t see it, “You keep him safe.”

Joel doesn’t make the same demand, “We’ll see you on the outside.”

Emboldened by the gun at her side, Ellie leads the lead.  Henry’s too busy kicking himself over getting separated from Sam to notice.

“Do you trust him?”

Ellie stops short, “That came out of fucking nowhere.”

“I heard what you told Sam.  How well do you even know him?”

She hasn’t given it much thought, but Marlene wouldn’t have hired Joel if she didn’t trust him to some degree.  Or at the very least, his brother.  And Ellie trusts Marlene

But Joel hasn’t given Ellie any reason not to trust him either.  And giving her a gun must prove, he trusts her too.

Squinting at Henry through the dim flashlights, “We’ve come this far.  Yeah, I trust him.”

It’s hard to tell if Henry takes her words as a sign that Sam is in good hands, but he stops dragging his feet and keeps pace with Ellie until they’re flinching against the morning light.

There’s a rustle of leaves as Sam rushes out of hiding to fist bump his brother.

“What took you so long?”  Voice as gruff as ever, there’s relief hidden beneath Joel’s beard.

\----------

For all the violence Ellie’s seen him commit so far, she doesn’t think Joel’s intentionally killed anyone – yet.  But when the thug grabs her from behind and holds a gun to her head, Joel doesn’t hesitate.

She shakes; the shot reverberating in her ear.  She thinks she’s going to be sick.

“Ellie…” Sam takes a step forward, but Joel’s strides are longer.

Gently, “Come away from there.”

Ellie follows obediently, “Where did he even come from?”

No one says it, but they all fear the same.

Henry’s the most disheartened to find the radio tower looted and abandoned, “No.  No no no no.”

Joel searches the pair of bodies on the floor, finding only their dogtags.  He sighs, “Gang musta heard the same rumor and decided to wipe them out, instead of letting them get a foothold.”

“No fucking kidding, man.  But now what’re we gonna do?”

“You could come with us to Jackson.”

All three heads whip around at Ellie’s suggestion.  It’s not like she and Joel were pinning their hopes on the Fireflies here; maybe they could’ve gotten some sort of directions, but their journey wasn’t about to end here.

But none of them, not even Sam, seem to be keen on the idea.

“We’ll all stay here the night, but in the morning, it might be best we go our separate ways.”

Ellie swallows her protests for now.

\----------

Ellie finds Sam exploring the radio tower alone.  “Hey.”

“Hey,” he says sullenly.

“This sucks, right?”

Sam shrugs.

“I bet if you talked to Henry –”

“I don’t want to go to Jackson, Ellie.  I didn’t even want to leave Pittsburgh.”

Ellie bites her tongue.  She should’ve realized the sentiment for his action figures went deeper than that; he even said joining the Fireflies was all Henry’s idea.

“I’m not like you.  I’m scared of leaving – scared of everything.  You’re not scared of anything.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?  A bullet whizzed right by your head and you didn’t even flinch!  I can’t hold a gun without getting nervous, but you have your own!”

Ellie thinks that’s unfair.  It all went so fast, she barely had time to process what was happening before it was over.  “That doesn’t mean I’m not scared of things.”

“Name one thing you’re scared of.”

“Scorpions are pretty creepy.”

“Bullshit.  I saw you pick a spider off your shoulder.”

She hesitates.  She’s been alone her whole life and anyone she’s ever cared about has abandoned her; her mom, Marlene, Riley.  There’s just no easy way to say it.

“Being by myself.  I’m scared of ending up alone,” Ellie can’t look at Sam as she admits it; the pity written all over his face in unbearable.

Clearing her throat, “With all this serious talk, I forgot.  Here.  I sort of stole it,” she holds the robot out to Sam.  “Wherever you guys end up, you shouldn’t have to give up a piece of you.”

She doesn’t mention that she doesn’t carry any of her own.

\----------

Henry found the keys to a truck as he and Joel moved the bodies of the Fireflies the night before.

“You have further to go,” he offers the keys to Joel.

“We didn’t have the best of luck with our last one,” Joel refuses.  “Besides the Fireflies probably want it back.”

Ellie’s not sure why, but she’s relieved.  She supposes it must be the look on Sam’s face; their destination is less certain than hers and Joel’s but having a car will be one less thing for him to worry about.

As Henry piles into the truck, Sam pulls Ellie into a quick hug, “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Showing me how to be brave.”

Tears threaten to prick Ellie’s eyes, “Just be safe.  Okay?”

Sam nods and climbs into the passenger seat.  The engine rumbles and they drive away.

Ellie turns to Joel, ready to begin their long trek to Jackson County, “You sure you don’t want to try hitchhiking?”

Joel snorts, “You really want to test our luck with that?”

Scrunching her nose, “Nah.”

\----------

The long echo of the crack of a gunshot over an open field gradually becomes one of Ellie’s favorite sounds.

After long stretches of walking, Joel sets up makeshift target ranges along the side of the road.  She’s getting pretty confident with the pistol, but she’s gonna need way more practice with the hunting rifle they found.

Moving on from their gun range, “Did you do a lot of shooting before you were a smuggler?”

“Did some hunting – mostly ranges.  Owning a gun is sort of a way of life in Texas.”

“Like home ownership?  Buy a house, get a gun?”

Joel chuckles, “Something like that.”

The summer haze beats down on them, making it too hot to talk much more.

Feeling the heat getting to her, Ellie starts to roll up her sleeves.  But the moment she looks down she remembers why she’s wearing them in the first place.  She yanks her sleeves back around her wrists and swelters in silence.

\----------

Night time is a sweet relief.  Most evenings, they find a motel where they can shower and rest easily.  Dinners almost always come from convenience stores or gas stations.  It’s not even close to luxurious, but it’s something.

Usually, once they’ve settled in for the night, Ellie takes up reading.  She’s realized that the issue of _Savage Starlight_ she stole from Bill was not the first in the series and has since hunted through every checkout line looking for more.  So far, she’s only managed to find sporadic installments, but she reads them anyway.

Joel usually takes stock of their supplies, methodically cleaning their guns and making sure they have plenty of water for the next day’s travel.  Ellie tries to help where she can.

But by far Ellie’s favorite evening activity is guessing who’s on the other end of Joel’s calls.

Tess is by far the easiest to pick out.  Joel’s posture changes, shoulders square and back straight.  His voice gets lower too, in a way that makes Ellie want to fucking gag.

The very rare, short and terse conversations, she assumes are Joel’s brother.

But when his tone grows soft and gentle, Ellie cannot even begin to guess who might be on the other end.  Whoever it is, they make Joel smile more than anyone else.

\----------

Passing over the Mississippi River, they find a thrift shop.  Despite how hot it is now, they both know fall will be coming all too soon.

Ellie picks out the first thing that fits and wanders over to the media section.  It’s not so much a section as a big cardboard box with a jumble of movies and music thrown in.  She ignores the VHS tapes and DVDs in favor of the CDs and cassettes.

For the first time, Ellie does miss some _thing_ in Boston.  She misses her battered, old discman and the mix CD Riley made for her.  She doesn’t for a second regret giving them both to Riley before they stole the vial, but the hours she’s spent walking in silence with Joel could’ve been filled with music.

Or maybe she just misses music.  She and Riley used to make a habit of going to record stores and discovering old music that still ruled; Riley was always the best at finding them.

Hell, she even misses that old country cassette she stole off Bill.

“Find anything good?” Joel appears at her elbow, peering into the bin.

“Not sure.”  She fans out a few album cases, “Familiar with any of these?”

Pointing to the one in the middle, “This one.”

“Bob Dyan.  Highway 61 Revisited,” she reads.

“You know, we just passed over it too.”

“Then I’ll take it.  Save it for when I get a discman again someday.”

Joel casts a disapproving eye as she stashes it in her backpack but holds his tongue.

Ellie waits outside as he pays for the clothes, reading the liner notes.  Most of the lyrics go over her head, but she finds herself somehow entranced by them, nonetheless.

Handing her a bag, “Pack it up.  Let’s go.”

Shoving the clothes into her backpack, Ellie finds a headphone chord tangled with the sleeve of her new windbreaker and a brick of a discman wrapped in her jeans.  Ellie smiles to herself, popping in the disc and pulling the headphones over her ears.


	2. Fall

Bob Dylan’s no Etta James, but Ellie listens to the album on repeat regardless.  By the time they reach Wyoming, the lyrics have begun to make sense.

Joel taps her on the shoulder, signaling to take the headphones off, “You know, you are about the only kid in the world who has ever liked Bob Dylan’s voice.”

Ellie grins, “It’s taken some getting used to, but it’s also the only CD I have.”

Joel rolls his eyes, but Ellie spies a smirk and counts it as a win.

It got cooler quicker than either of them anticipated, though Ellie can’t help but be grateful for the sake of hiding the scar on her arm. She examines it closely, when Joel’s not paying attention, wondering how long it will take to fade – if it will fade at all.

The terrain gets rougher too, no longer endless flatlands far as the eye can see.  When they set up for firing practice, the echo of the gun reverberates through the hills and trees, spooking a flock of roosting birds.

Ellie marvels at how quickly they fly.

“Think you can bag one?”  Joel holding out the hunting rifle.

But Ellie digs her fingernails into her palm, “I’d rather not.”

Nodding, “Fair enough.  It’s not as if our survival depends on it.”

\----------

Joel’s leg bounces as they wait in the lobby.  Ellie’s seen him stare down the barrel of a gun – and _this_ is what makes him nervous.

All she is – is _starving_.  It’s been forever since breakfast, both of them pushing to get here rather than stop for lunch.

Her attention snaps to the door as a man pushes it open.  Joel lifts his head and they stare for a moment before the stranger pulls Joel into a one-armed hug.  The resemblance is unmistakable.

Tommy pulls back but keeps a hand on Joel’s shoulder, “I’ll be goddamned.  You got fucking old.”

“Yeah.  Well, it’s gonna happen to you too someday, baby brother.”

Tommy starts to chuckle and Joel grins.  Whatever anxiety he had about seeing his brother again seems to have vanished.

Spotting Ellie, “Joel, who’s this?”

“Tommy, this is Ellie.  Ellie, Tommy.”

“She ain’t yours, is she?  I haven’t been gone _that_ long.”

Joel shakes his head, “Nothing like that.  She uh –”

“It’s kind of a long story,” Ellie offers.

Even though Tommy left the Fireflies, Marlene trusted his word enough to enlist Joel’s help.  They must be able to trust him enough to tell him about her mission and the fungus.

“Alright.  You’ll have to tell me everything, but I’ve got work to finish first.  How about I get you set up with some food?  You hungry?”

“ _Starving_.”

\----------

A few workers linger in the cafeteria, but Ellie and Joel mostly have it to themselves.

Before getting back to work, Tommy makes sure they’re set up with meals from the cooks, but cheerfully warns, “Don’t fill up too much.  Maria and I’ve got dinner planned.  And a little surprise for you too.”

Shoveling a few forkfuls of macaroni and cheese into her mouth, “That didn’t go too bad.”

Joel sort of hums, not listening at all.

“Earth to Joel.  Come in, Joel.”  She waves a hand in front of his to get him to stop zoning out.

“What was that, Ellie?”

“I said that went better than expected.”

He nods, still not fully here, “Hmm.  Yeah.”

“I though you two had some sort of falling out.”

“We did.  Tommy believed in the Fireflies; joined up.  I didn’t.”

Ellie tugs at her sleeve.  She wants to ask what happened between them, but she knows Joel probably won’t explain further.  Whatever it was, seems Tommy’s let bygones be bygones.

Or at least she hopes.  Hopes his ties to the Fireflies are still strong enough to set them in the right direction.

“Why’d he leave them?  What changed?”

“I don’t rightly know.  He got a good job here.  Got married – look, Ellie.  I know you wanna ask him about the Fireflies.  But let me talk to him privately first.”

Joel’s sudden request takes Ellie aback, but he’s asked for so little from her.  “Yeah.  Sure.”

He nods his thanks.  As he returns to his lunch, Ellie’s stomach sinks, not quite so hungry anymore.

\----------

When Tommy comes back, he is accompanied by a woman, who he introduces, “This is Maria.  She pretty much runs things around here.”

“And…”

“And is my wife.  Maria, this is my brother.  And Ellie.”

“Hello.”  She shakes Ellie’s hand then Joel’s.  “Good to finally meet you, Joel.”

“Likewise.  Sorry, I didn’t make it to the wedding.  Listen, Tommy – we’ve gotta talk.”

Tommy sighs as Ellie inhales sharply.  She promised Joel he could, but that sinking feeling has turned into the worst suspicion: the reason Joel needs to talk to Tommy alone is her.

“Why don’t you talk, and I’ll take Ellie home to get supper started,” Maria offers.

Ellie watches Joel and Tommy’s backs retreat down the hallway before Maria tells her to keep up.  Maria’s friendly enough, asking about school and telling her about the hydroelectric dam, though it’s hard to pay attention as Ellie’s mind races.

Even in the car, Ellie can’t focus on the passing scenery.  Maria must’ve given up trying to talk to her at some point, turning on the radio to fill Ellie’s silence.

\----------

“Make yourself at home,” Maria says, leading Ellie into the house.  “I’ll get dinner started.”

It’s cozy and warm, though oddly spacious.  Ellie paces each room, running her fingers along various surfaces, trying to behave herself and not pocket anything.

She distracts herself looking at the pictures on the mantle.  At one end, Tommy and Maria smile at her from their wedding photo and another from some hiking trip.  At the other end, most of the frames include Maria posing with people Ellie assumes are her relatives.  There’s only one other of Tommy, standing alongside a young woman in a graduation robe.

Ellie reaches for it to get a closer look when there’s a loud bang in the kitchen.

“Maria?”

“Everything’s alright.”

Ellie’s already turned on her heel but stops at the base of the stairs.  Her eyes wander upward to the darkened landing then her feet do too, the floorboards creaking slightly beneath her weight.

She peeks into each room, curious why two people need so much space.  Shutting the door to what appears to be the master bedroom, Ellie continues to the end of the hall.  Dying sunlight spills out of the last room and Ellie steps in, entranced.

Someone must’ve lived in this room, though probably not for some time; a few clothes still hang in the open closet, a couple of pictures are still tacked to the wall, and a journal is neatly tucked under the pillow.

Ellie reaches for the journal when one of the pictures catches her eye.  Ellie’s almost positive it’s the woman from the photo on the mantle, but much younger with a soccer trophy raised in the air and a man’s arm draped around her.

She almost doesn’t recognize Joel without the scowl and greying hair.

“No fucking way,” she barely breathes.

\----------

The slamming of car doors jolts Ellie out of her reading.  Through the window, she watches as Joel and Tommy stalk towards the house; their talk must not have gone so well.

Placing the picture in Sarah’s journal as a bookmark, Ellie heads downstairs.  Joel leans against the couch, arms crossed, watching the scene in the kitchen unfold.

Ellie glances at Tommy and Maria, arguing in heated whispers, “What’s all that about?”

“Tommy’s gonna take you and that vial to the Fireflies.”

“What do you mean?  What about you?”

Joel says nothing.

“You’re fucking leaving me.”

“Tommy knows this area, knows these people –”

“Bullshit.”

“Ellie –”

“No!  I should’ve known – I should’ve fucking known you would leave me too!”  She didn’t realize she was raising her voice, but suddenly the rest of the house is silent, even Tommy and Maria’s argument has ceased.  “Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?”

Joel refuses to even look at her.

“Fuck you too, man.  No wonder Sarah fucking left you.”

Before Joel can process her accusation, Ellie storms upstairs and slams Sarah’s bedroom door.

\----------

Joel’s heavy footsteps follow her.  Ellie barely has time to snatch up the journal and spin around before the door swings wide open.

“You know _nothing_ about Sarah.”

“Don’t I?”  Ellie tosses the journal at his feet, the picture sliding out.  Joel stares at it blankly.  “I know that she got hurt and you couldn’t protect her.  And you blame yourself for it.”

His eyes are raw when he finally looks back at her, “You are treading on some _mighty_ thin ice.”

“Look, I’m sorry about what happened to your daughter, Joel, but I’m not her!”

“What the hell do you want from me?”

“Admit that you’ve wanted to get rid of me the whole time!  And that it has nothing to do with Marlene or the Fireflies!”

Ellie’s never seen Joel this angry, not even as he and Tess argued about what to do with her. “Alright!  Yes!  I was against taking this job from the very beginning!  Satisfied?”

“No.”

“What then?  What else?”

“Help me see this through!”

His face hardens, “No.  Tommy will get you to the Fireflies –”

“Fuck that.  I’ve been alone and scared my whole life – fucking except with you!”  Without thinking, Ellie shoves Joel as hard as she can.  The picture wrinkles underfoot as she steps back again, wiping the tears on her sleeve.

She fucking hates that she’s crying.  Hates that Joel is so goddamn stubborn.  Hates Marlene for sticking her with him.  Hates the stupid fungus and this stupid fucking mission.

Joel’s fist clenches, “You’re right… You’re not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your dad.  And we are going our separate ways.”

Ellie’s chest heaves as he turns on his heel but stops dead in his tracks.

Sarah stands at the top of the stairs, “Hey, dad.  Is now a bad time?”

\----------

The limp is impossible to miss as Sarah hobbles back down; Joel races to her side as if she’s made of glass.  Over his shoulder, Sarah catches Ellie’s gaze and rolls her eyes.

Ellie tiptoes behind them at a safe distance until she reaches the top of the steps.  Leaning her back against the railing, Ellie listens as Sarah’s soft voice drifts through the house.

“You’re still wearing that old thing?  It’s been cracked since the accident.”

“It still works,” his tone is gentle now, like it was during all those late-night motel calls.

“Let me get you a new watch.”

“I like this one just fine.”

“Stubborn as ever.  How come you didn’t tell me you were coming?”

Muttering, “Didn’t want to get your hopes up.”

Sarah scoffs, “Dad, I’m nearly thirty.  When’re you gonna stop treating me like a damn kid?”

There is silence for a long time; either Joel’s struggling for a good reason or he isn’t trying.

“Never mind.  Forget I asked?  Uncle Tommy said something about the Fireflies.”

Joel tells Sarah everything; he spares no details.  Ellie’s mission, the contract with Marlene, Tess going by another road, their journey.  Their fight sounds even worse from his perspective.

But Sarah thinks no less of either of them, “Sounds like a ballsy girl to stand up to you like that.”

“Not unlike someone else I know.”

It’s Sarah’s turn to go quiet.  Fumbling for the right words, “I didn’t – I never meant to –”

“I know, baby girl.”

Ellie hugs her knees to her chest, wishing her curiosity hadn’t gotten the better of her.  It’s not the eavesdropping which bothers her, but her heart aches for what they have.

Sniffling, “I’d like to talk to Ellie.”

Joel’s voice practically sticks in his throat, “Okay.”

Ellie’s stomach drops, unsure if she can face Sarah all on her own.

\----------

When Joel calls, Ellie comes downstairs, getting her first true look at Sarah.

She didn’t see the metal brace around Sarah’s knee before, but it seems to be all that’s keeping her on her feet.  Distracted by it, Ellie nearly misses the resemblance to her father behind Sarah’s blue eyes, but there’s an unmistakable tired sadness that reminds her of Joel.

Sarah smiles warmly at Ellie, almost completely masking any similarity to her father.  She tugs at her shirt sleeve, realizing it’s Sarah’s first really good look at her too.

“I better go find Tommy.  Let him know his house is safe again.”

“Sorry about him,” Sarah says after the front door clicks shut.  “I know he can be –”

“A shithead?”

“I was going to say ‘difficult’ or ‘abrasive,’ but ‘shithead’ works too.”

Sarah beckons Ellie to follow her into the living room.  Stretching out on the couch, she loosens the fastenings on the brace.  Ellie stays standing, trying to look anywhere else.

Sarah groans as it comes off, “Sure makes walking easier, but it’s damned uncomfortable.”

Rude as it is, Ellie can’t stop herself from asking, “What happened?”

“Drunk driver hit us on the way home from a pizza party with my soccer team.  Whole car flipped over, crushed my leg.  Been messed up ever since.”

“Sorry.” Ellie mumbles.

“Don’t be.  You wouldn’t want anyone to be about your arm.”

A lump catches in Ellie’s throat.  She can barely stomach looking at the scar herself; she can’t imagine how she would resent the same pitying stares Sarah’s brace must attract.

“Guess not.  Still, that sucks.”

“Yeah, it does.”  She contemplates Ellie for a minute, “Take care of him for me.”

“Who?  Joel?  No, he’s leaving me with Tommy.”

Sarah shakes her head, “No he won’t.”

\----------

The sun dips below the mountains, leaving them only faintly tinged with orange, but Ellie sits out on the porch alone despite the darkening sky.

Sarah’s words echo in her ears, _You’re too alike_.

Joel, Tommy, and Maria came back as just as Ellie snorted in disbelief.  Quick as she could, Ellie darted past them and hasn’t moved since.

She’d rather not face any of them.  Not Maria, for the embarrassment of blowing up in her house.  Not Tommy, for the shame of rejecting his help.  Not Sarah, for the piercing guilt that look in her eyes makes Ellie feel.  Not Joel.  Certainly not Joel.

But of course, when the door swings open, it’s Joel who steps out and sits next to her.

“Cold out here.”

Ellie avoids his gaze.

“Tommy says the Firefly we’re looking for works for the University of Eastern Colorado.”

“What do you care?  Aren’t you leaving?”

“No.  I’m coming with you.”

Anger flares up in Ellie’s chest, “Sarah put you up to this, didn’t she?  Well, forget it.  I don’t want your help if you’re only doing it –”

“Sarah didn’t ask me to do anything.  You know why I hardly ever see her?  Because it’s too hard for me to leave her.  But I can’t leave you either – not after we’ve come this far.”

Ellie inhales, the sharp night air filling her lungs so full they might burst and smiles to herself.

Gazing up at the sky, she marvels at the thousands of stars she never saw from her window back in Boston.  They almost remind her of the fireflies on their way to Lincoln, but the stars burn so much brighter.

\----------

Sarah leaves for the night but comes back in the morning just as Ellie and Joel are packing up Tommy’s truck.  Maria provides them with a few snacks for the road and they’re ready to go.

Joel squeezes Sarah tight, “I’ll be back before you know it, baby girl.”

Planting a kiss on his cheek, “You better.”

“Hey, Sarah?”  Ellie catches her before joining Tommy and Maria on the porch.

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to worry.  I’ll look after him.”

Before Ellie registers what’s happening, Sarah pulls her into a hug, “I know you will.”

Ellie’s slightly dazed when Sarah lets go.

“Let’s get moving, kiddo,” Joel leans out the window.  As Ellie piles into the truck, “What was that all about?”

“You wouldn’t get it.”

\----------

Tommy’s truck is loaded with CDs.  Joel scoffs at the majority of the collection.

“Who made you the king of good taste?” Ellie rolls her eyes as she slides an album labeled ‘Bleach’ into the slot.  She thrumbs her fingers along, letting the music take up the bulk of their conversation through the mountains.

“No way!  We’re here already?” she shouts at the first road sign they see for the university.

Ellie buzzes with anticipation.  They’re almost there.  This is almost over.

“Woah there.  Keep your belt buckled.  Didn’t peg you for the bookish type.”

“Who says I’m not?”

Joel raises a skeptical brow.

“Okay.  You’re right.  But what about you?”

“What about me?” he chuckles.

“You don’t strike me as the bookish type either.  Did you ever go to college?”

“I – uh would’ve.  But – uh.  Having Sarah real young, sort of changed things.”

Living in Boston, Ellie had been surrounded by college students, but she’d never really considered school beyond the orphanage.  It seems so much more unlikely now.

Ellie sinks back in her seat, “Oh.  Right.  So, I guess this is both our first college trip.”

Joel chuckles again, “Guess so.”

\----------

They meander through the student book sale while they wait for the campus tour to begin.  Joel jokes that it’s not an official college visit until they’ve done one, but also more practically, it’s the quickest way to find the science department and Tommy’s old Firefly contact.

Ellie flips through the tiny, neglected CD selection.  No one pays her any mind there, save the basic-looking man and pretty woman on the poster above her head.

She can’t decide if _Drake & Fisher Fortunes_ looks kind of awesome or super lame, but either way it feels like the man’s eyes are boring into the top of her skull.

Glaring back at it, _Couldn’t they have put that_ anywhere _else?_

Joel finishing his own perusing, “Here.  Thought you might like these.”

He hands her a few issues of _Savage Starlight_.

“Oh!  Cool!  I don’t think I’ve got these ones yet.”

“Then you best put them away quick.  We’re gonna be late.”

Ellie doesn’t need telling twice.  Comics stowed away in her backpack they hightail it away from the sale to the tour meeting point.

\----------

The other, _older_ teens on their tour give Ellie sideways glances as if she’s some sort of early graduating genius.  She’s feeling pretty smug about it until it’s her turn to answer the guide’s question about what major she’s considering.

Ellie freezes, “I – uh haven’t decided.  It’s still a few years off for me.”

“That’s alright.  Most students start college undecided and find their place within the first few semesters.  Got any favorite subjects?”

She hesitates again.  The real answer is no, not really, but she has a mission here.  “Science is pretty cool.”

“Then we’ll be sure to swing through the science department,” he assures her.

One of the prospective student’s dad ribs Joel in the side, “Good on you, getting her started on college tours early.  Mine keeps going on about moving to LA and becoming an actress.”

Joel mumbles an excuse and moves as far away from that dad as possible.

Ellie joins him on the other side of the group.  Hissing, “I was thinking, maybe I should tell them I want to be an astronaut.”

“Then they’d really think you’re some sort of goddamn prodigy.”

“Well, what _were_ you going to go to school for?”

Joel grimaces, “I wanted to be a singer.”

“No way.  Sing something for me,” she prods.

“Not gonna happen.”

The tour guide coughs pointedly, “As I was saying…”

Ellie zones out, trying to imagine Joel as remotely musical.  Muttering to herself, “I suppose that explains your opinions about Tommy’s CD collection.”

Joel shakes his head and hushes her, “Can we drop it, please?”

Ellie nods, but isn’t likely to forget it.

\----------

Passing through the science department, Ellie and Joel lag behind the rest of the group, keeping an eye on the office plaques for Tommy’s contact.

Joel spots it first.  “Ellie, over here.”

He knocks twice, no response.  When there’s no answer to his third knock, Joel looks over his shoulder then rams the door open.  The room’s been ransacked; desk and chairs overturned, books torn from shelves, papers strewn across the floor.

Sifting through the papers with his foot, “Someone was looking for something.”

“No shit,” Ellie swears bluntly.  Nothing is ever _that_ simple.  “Did they find it?”

“Tough to say.  Could be something they missed.”

Ellie hovers in the threshold as Joel begins to dig in earnest for anything that might point them in the direction.  She traces the doorframe with her thumb until it runs over an etching in the wood.

The Fireflies’ symbol usually fills Ellie with hope; it means Marlene is making a difference, that Ellie was safe.  But it only fills her with dread now.

“They must’ve found out he was a Firefly,” she points out the etching to Joel.

“Figures,” he mutters, giving up his search.

Ellie exhales, “What are we supposed to do now?”

“You looking for Professor Griggs?”

Ellie and Joel’s heads whip around.  The newcomer must be an older college boy than the one leading the tour, dark bags under his eye probably from late nights of studying.

Joel steps between him and Ellie, “What do you know about it?”

“Like she said, they found out Erik was a Firefly.”  Glancing down the hall, “But we really shouldn’t discuss this here.”

\----------

The boy ushers them into an empty lab.  He and Joel check the doors and windows before standing off in front of the model skeleton in the corner.

“Talk,” Joel demands.

“Erik was stationed here as a Firefly recruiter.  I think the university suspected him for a long time but couldn’t prove anything and was too popular a professor to let go.”

“Okay.  So, how’d they find out?” Ellie presses him, none too keen on the skeleton’s gaze boring into her.  It reminds her a little too much of the state of her mission.

“Caught him sending off his research notes to another Firefly lab.  The university didn’t just have him sacked.  They had him arrested.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Joel growls, “How do you know all this?  Why should we trust you?”

“Because I was Erik’s TA.”  Then, pulling a pendant from his collar, “And one of his recruits.”

Ellie’s eyes go wide as the dogtag dangles on its chain; she can hardly forget how anxious Riley was at being found out.  Joe Warren’s taking an awful risk revealing himself to them.

Joel might take more convincing, but Ellie trusts him.  “Do you know what he was researching?  Or where he was sending it?”

Joe shakes his head, “Not specifically.  Sometimes I’d hear him recording himself, I think he might’ve been preforming tests on live monkeys.”

“But where was he sending his research?”

Joe stares hard at Ellie, no doubt wondering why she cares.

“I don’t know,” he finally admits.  Cutting Ellie off from groaning at another dead end, “But he did tell me, if I was ever in trouble, I’d find a friend at St. Mary’s Hospital in Salt Lake City.”

Ellie looks to Joel, a surge of hope pulsing through her, but he doesn’t share in her excitement; to him, this may as well all be a wild goose chase.

\----------

“We could’ve told Joe why we were looking for the Fireflies.”

Joel’s just settled down when Ellie brings it up again.  She hopes talking to Sarah improved his mood enough in order to discuss their next destination.

Without opening his eyes, “You sure about that?”

“I am.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

Ellie hesitates.  She didn’t because Marlene told her not to tell anyone.  She didn’t because maybe a nugget of Joel’s distrust of everyone has sunk into her.

“Because what if the university discovered he was a Firefly too?  We were lucky he trusted us enough to tell us where to find the others.”

“Well, when we get there, you should tell your friend, Marlene, she ought to give better directions when she wants illegal substances smuggled halfway across the country.”

Ellie shakes her head, sick of this shit.  “What exactly is your problem with the Fireflies?”

Peering at her, “My problem?”

“Yeah, you seem to really hate them, but they’re the good guys, and you’re not exactly a man of the law.”

Joel rubs his hands over his face, “Marlene tell you that?”

Ellie sighs in frustration, “Forget it.  You’re impossible.”

“No.  I just don’t believe in good guys and bad guys.  The world’s not that black and white.  I’ve seen enough people get hurt from all sides.”

\----------

When Joel hits the lights and rolls over to go to sleep, Ellie takes the cordyceps vial out of her backpack.

She checks it every night to make sure the vial hasn’t cracked or opened, but it’s been a while since the last time she really looked at it.  It’s oddly beautiful; the slight orange luminescence is as alluring as much as it is a warning.

It’s crazy to think how dangerous it really is, almost impossible to believe.  But then, it turned her life on its end without even uncapping the vial.  In the hands of the Fireflies, it could save just as many.  Marlene told Ellie; she promised.

The memory of her promise is so distant now.  These long months Ellie’s been on the road with Joel, there’s been no contact, no sign from Marlene.

Ellie suddenly feels very much like the spores floating around in the empty space of the vial; cut adrift and directionless.

_Why didn’t Marlene tell me where to go?  How could she not trust me with that information?  If only her men in Boston hadn’t been caught, this could’ve all been over by now._

Ellie blinks at the negativity of her own thoughts.  She didn’t realize how tired she was getting of carrying the vial around.  Or that she was ready for all this to be over, despite what comes next.

Returning the vial to its spot in her backpack, Ellie’s hand brushes against a small, but sturdy piece of paper.  Her heart aches as she pulls out the photostrip of her and Riley.

Ellie wishes she could just talk to Riley, if only for a minute.

Joel’s phone lights up as it finishes charging, giving Ellie an idea.

\----------

 _Why didn’t I think of this before?_ She snatches Joel’s phone off the nightstand and, sneaking from the room, dashes across the balcony to the ice maker.

Punching in the number scribbled on the back of the photostrip, she mutters, “Please.  Please.  Please, pick up.”

“Hello?”

“Riley?”

“Ellie?  Holy shit!  Ellie, I thought you were a goner.”

“You and me both,” Ellie sighs; she can’t believe she’s hearing Riley’s voice.  “There were a couple close calls.”

“Where the hell have you been?  Marlene’s been worried sick.”

Ellie inhales sharply; Marlene, not Riley.

“We got a little sidetracked, but you can tell her we’re back on course.”

“Yeah, no kidding, but Ellie, where’ve you been?  Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.  I just – I needed to hear your voice,” she can’t stop her own voice from breaking.

Riley’s is just a thick, “Okay.  Just don’t disappear on me again – I thought I lost you.”

Ellie scoffs, “That’s rich, coming from you.  But no promises.  I don’t know when I’ll be able to steal Joel’s phone again.”

“Who’s Joel?”

“A friend.  Listen, Riley.  I’ve gotta go.  Just – thanks.  I’ll see you when this is all over.”

A promise she intends to keep.

\----------

If Joel notices the new number in his call history, he doesn’t say anything.

They load of the frosted-over truck and get an early move on.  They know where they’re headed, there’s no need to waste time.

Sick of Tommy’s music, Joel requests the radio.  Ellie fiddles with the dial, scanning for something more his taste and might entice him to sing.  The most she gets from him is humming or tapping along.

Ellie’s enjoying the view of the mountain roads when the current station switches to ads and she has to start the search all over again.

“Hold up.  What’s that sound?”

It doesn’t sound like anything more than a strange clicking to Ellie, but turning the volume down, an awful grinding gets ever louder.

“Goddamn it, Tommy,” Joel swears under his breath.

By the time they find a spot to pull over, there’s smoke coming out from the engine too.

Joel hands his phone to Ellie, “Try to get a signal.”

She waves the phone in the air as Joel throws open the hood.

Walking some distance from the truck, Ellie declares, “I’ve got nothing.”

Joel grumbles to himself in response.

“Just our luck, right?”

Joel slams the hood.  He yanks the trunk open, collecting his backpack and rifle and passing Ellie hers.  “Get your stuff.  Let’s go.”

Ellie shivers as a gust of wind blows down the mountain.  She doesn’t mind walking, but she’s going to miss the truck’s heat.

\----------

By the time they reach the next town – if it could be called that, the phone battery is completely drained.  The mechanic lets Joel use his phone to call Tommy, but it’s going to be a while before he can get a tow out to the truck.

When Joel presses, the mechanic snaps, “Look.  I ain’t sending my guy out there and risk him getting stuck on those roads with a storm rolling in.”

Ellie stares out the window at the dark grey skies as they argue, but there’s no persuading him.

Sitting down in a diner booth, they order food and try to figure out what to do next, but they’re both at a loss.  Neither of them does much more than pick at their burgers; the steam from Ellie’s hot chocolate and Joel’s coffee dissipating.

“You should eat more,” Joel coaxes.

“Not hungry,” Ellie mumbles.

“You barely touched your fries.”

“I said – hey!”

Joel snatches a fry from her plate and chomps down.  Ellie pulls her plate further away from him and starts shoveling the rest into her mouth.

“Works every time,” he chuckles.

“You pull that same stunt with Sarah?” Ellie asks after swallowing another mouthful of fries.

For a second, Ellie thinks she’s crossed a line with Joel again, his grin slightly dimming.  But rather than getting cold and distant, his face softens.

“Yeah, I did.  Except she was a pickier eater than you.  Still got her to eat though.”  Chuckling, “Figured you’d have the same instinct.”

Between the music and being a father, Joel hardly resembles the man Ellie started this journey with.  She almost always felt safe with him, but now she feels comfortable too.

“Tell me more about Sarah.”

Though faint, his smile almost reminds Ellie of the photo on Sarah’s wall.

\----------

There is almost literally nothing to do in this town but eat and sleep while they wait for the mechanic to send a tow out to Tommy’s truck.  But the weather is threatening to turn worse.

Ellie’s just about to start rereading _Savage Starlight_ for the fourth time when Joel suggests going out for target practice.  They venture into the woods through the early snow and find an empty clearing to set up in.

Joel has Ellie start with the pistol just for muscle memory’s sake, before switching to the hunting rifle.  Through the otherwise silent and still forest, the echo of each shot is different from being in the fields, but no less satisfying.

All out of targets, they move along.  In the next clearing, it’s evident they aren’t the only ones to come out here with the same intention, only whoever was here last wasn’t firing guns.

Ellie picks up the abandoned bow and draws back the string, “Woah, cool.”

“Careful now. Those things will sting you.”

“Alright, alright.  I’m just checking it out, you old man.”

Turns out Joel does know something about archery, but his aim is shit.

“I probably haven’t fired one of these since I was in high school,” he defends himself when Ellie laughs at the arrow getting caught in the trees.

Her shot goes wide too, but she loves the feel of drawing the string back to her jaw and watching the arrow fly.  Lining up her next shot, Ellie’s ear twitches at the snap of a branch.

Spinning in the direction of the sound, hers isn’t the only weapon pointed at the stranger.  But then, she and Joel aren’t the only ones armed either.

A man, heavily bearded with wild hair, snaps at them, “You’re trespassing.  Move on.”

Joel lowers his gun, “We don’t want any trouble.  Just teaching the girl to –”

The man keeps his gun trained on Joel, but his eyes flick towards Ellie.  “I said move on!  I won’t warn you again.”

With a glance from Joel, Ellie slowly lowers the bow and they retreat.  All the way back to the town, Ellie can’t help but feel the stranger’s gaze still on her.

\----------

Shaken, but not deterred, Ellie wants to go back out into the woods to practice with the bow.

“Okay,” Joel agrees, “but we’re heading the other direction.”

Ellie doesn’t argue; she has no interest in running into that man again.

The first decent practice range they find is an out-of-business ski lodge; they set up by the foot of the slopes.  Ellie struggles to aim straight from shivering but manages to strike the target more than a fair few times.

Joel busts open the door to the lodge when they break for a lunch of convenience store snacks.

“Who do you think that guy was anyway?” Ellie ponders.

“It doesn’t matter.  We’re just gonna stay the hell away –” Joel cuts himself off, holding up a finger to shush her.  Ellie listens too but hears nothing.

Joel creeps closer to the window and the glass shatters, barely missing him.

“Holy shit!”

“Up the stairs!  Go!”

Ellie beats Joel to the top, but he leads the charge into a room overlooking the oncoming attackers and takes aim, picking them off one by one.

“Keep your head down and eyes on the stairs!”

Drawing her pistol, Ellie clicks the safety off and waits.  Each of Joel’s shots means another person she won’t have to shoot.

“Goddamn it,” he mutters, reloading the rifle.  “Get ready.”

They burst through the door and stampede up the stairs; Ellie closes her eyes and shoots.  There’s a shout of surprise, but no squish of flesh or splash of blood.  Their footsteps just keep coming, but she can’t open her eyes to fire again.

“Ellie!” Joel shouts, and Ellie recognizes the sound of a fist colliding with someone’s stomach, the sounds of a struggle, and the crash of wood.

“Joel?”  Her eyes snap open.  “Joel!”

\----------

“Fuck!  Joel!”  Ellie stands at the edge of the new hole in the wall, staring down at Joel’s blood on the snow.

In her shock, Ellie doesn’t notice the man coming up behind her, “Gotcha!”

Ellie thrashes about in his grip, “Let go of me, fucker!”

Instinct takes over and she bites down hard on the arm that holds her.  And Ellie runs, sprinting down the stairs and still clutching her gun, useless though it is to a coward like her.

Outside, she squints against the gleam of the untarnished snow, rushing to Joel’s side.  What looks like some part of the old ski lift sticks out through his stomach.

“What do you want me to do?”

Grimacing, “Move!”

“What?”

Joel raise his gun, “Move!”

“You’re dead asshole!”

Ellie jumps as Joel fires; two more men lay dead in the snow.  His arm falls limp too.

Weakly, “I’m gonna need you to pull.”

Ellie’s stomach lurches but nods and counts off.  She’s barely strong enough to lift his weight, but up he comes.  The squelch of the pole coming out of his stomach is worse than his scream; both make Ellie want to hurl.

Joel doubles over, clutching his side best he can to stop the bleeding.  “We’ve gotta get back.”

“Okay.  Okay,” Ellie’s brain starting to work for itself again.  “Can you walk?”

“Yes,” he nods stubbornly.

“Then fucking walk!”

But he can’t stand, not without his arm over her shoulder.  Ellie practically drags Joel into the safety of the trees, desperately wishing he wasn’t leaving a trail of blood behind them.

\----------

Ellie bursts through the doors of the emergency room and collapses, Joel right beside her.

“Somebody help him!” she screams hoarsely.

In an instant, a flurry of doctors and nurses descend upon them.  Joel is lifted onto a gurney and pushed into triage, while a pair of nurses get Ellie to her feet, pulling her into another room.

“No.  I can’t leave him,” she dimly as she struggles to follow Joel.

“Honey, you have –” but their words are drowned out by a ringing in Ellie’s ear, like a gunshot but worse.  The doctors have connected the monitors to Joel, his pulse reduced to electronic beeping.

There are too many people surrounding the gurney to see what’s happening – to see Joel.  Ellie roots herself to the spot, unable to deduce what’s happening to Joel and ignoring the nurses’ pleas to get herself seen to.

Then suddenly everything in the room stops.  The beeping steadies and the doctors begin tearing off their smocks and gloves.

“He’s okay, right?  Tell me he’s okay,” she pleads with the first doctor to emerge.

“He’s stable.  That’s all I can say for now.”

“Come on, honey.  There’s nothing you can do.  Let’s get you patched up.”

Ellie finally lets herself be led away from triage.  Beneath the blood and dirt, she isn’t all that hurt herself, but she is exhausted beyond belief.  She lies down, but her eyes won’t shut.

It feels like forever before a doctor comes to see her, clipboard in hand.  “Mind telling us what happened to the man you brought in?”

“He fell,” Ellie croaks.

“And your relationship to the patient?”

Ellie stares blankly at the doctor.  She could tell them the whole damn truth, and they’d never believe her.  “He’s just a stranger.”


	3. Winter

Her heart twinges as the arrow sinks into the rabbit’s neck, but her rumbling stomach won’t be ignored.

“This won’t last very long,” she mutters to herself.

Ellie’s gotten pretty good at hunting over the past weeks; small prey is quick, but Ellie is quicker, and hunger is a persistent motivator.  Especially when the scraps from the hospital cafeteria aren’t enough.

Careful not to make the fire too big, Ellie scarfs down the meager meat off the bone.  It isn’t much, but it should get her through the night.

The wind howls, but the bare branches of the trees cut the gusts into whispers.  Ellie shudders, her breath clouding beneath her nose.  She’s stayed out here too long, if she doesn’t get back soon, the shelter will have reached capacity.

Stamping out the tiny flame, Ellie stashes the bow and quiver in the hollow tree where she’s hidden Joel’s guns.

She wishes she had pocketed Joel’s phone and wallet before the hospital locked them away, though neither may have done Ellie much good anyway.  There’s been no reception in this shitty town since they got here and there’s no telling no long Joel’s money would’ve lasted.

Ellie exhales in relief, emerging from the forest.  No matter how many times she’s gone out there alone, she is still wary of what lurks among the moaning trees.

The shelter doors are already shut when she reaches its doorstep.  Inhaling deeply, Ellie makes for an alley outside the hospital.

She hates that she’s come to think of it as home, but she’s spent more nights here than in a shelter bed.  And it’s as close as she can get to Joel when visiting hours are over.

Safely hidden from sight by a dumpster, Ellie withdraws the fungus vial from her backpack.

Of all the things she left Boston with, it’s the last one undamaged.

\----------

As long as the doctors or nurses aren’t milling about, asking questions, Ellie sits at Joel’s bedside.  She knows what they must think.

Nights are one thing, but during the day, she has nowhere else to go.  At first, she would come sit by him and chew her lip, but more and more, she’s started talking to him.

“You’d be pretty impressed by my shooting lately.  Might even go out with the hunting rifle one of these days.”

Except she won’t.  She won’t give those people any means to find her when she’s out there.

Ellie waits for something – anything from Joel, hoping he will wake and fill the silence, but he never does.

Even unconscious, he looks troubled.  Ellie reaches out to grab his hand, but her own trembles too much to wrap her fingers around his.

She jerks her hand away suddenly and wipes her face on her sleeve.  Sniffling, “You know Sarah’s gonna be real pissed when she finds out what happened.”

Nothing.  No response, just more pained shuttering.

“You’re gonna make it,” she assures him.

On the other side of the curtain shielding his bed from view, the door opens.  Ellie sits up alert, listening to the doctors’ conversation.

At the mention of the ‘John Doe’, Ellie whispers, “Shit.”  To Joel, “Don’t worry.  I’ll be back.”

She slides from her chair and under the curtain as it is pulled opened.  Ducking out of the room, Ellie makes for the waiting area, but when she glances in, it’s already overcrowded.  Moving on, she wanders the halls, searching for someplace to be alone.

\----------

The hospital chapel isn’t where Ellie expected to find solace, but it’s empty and quiet and she can her herself think.  Absently, she wonders if her assurances to Joel were more for her sake than for his.

“So fucking stupid,” she mutters.  “Of course, he can’t hear you.”

“It’s not stupid.”

Ellie’s neck snaps in the direction of the intruder on her solitude.  Tall and lean, his shaggy hair slicked back, and beard trimmed, his eyes keen.

“Talking to your friend – I’m sure it helps.”

“You’re no preacher.”

Chucking, he raises his hands in surrender, “Guilty as charged, but I know a little something of faith.  And it seems like you could use some right about now.”

Ellie inhales sharply, “Somehow, I very much doubt that.”

He chuckles again, “I’m David.  What’s your name?”

“Why?”

“Look, I understand, it’s not easy to trust strangers.  Whoever’s hurt, you must care about them.  I’m sure they’re gonna be just fine.”

For a fleeting moment, Ellie almost believes him; it’s not a lie she’s telling herself.  But the prickling skin at the nape of her neck unsettles her; his gaze is too intent.

Swallowing, she doesn’t give an inch, “We’ll see.”

“Mind if I sit –”

“I really should go check on my friend,” Ellie practically leaps from the pew.

“Alright.  Take care now.  I’m sure our paths will cross again.”

\----------

Ellie doesn’t try to slip back into Joel’s room.  She runs from the hospital, her feet sinking into the snow, until she stops dead in her tracks at the edge of the woods.

Her head swims; too unfocused to hunt, too unnerved to go back.  She doesn’t want to be anywhere near that man, but the forest groans and the branches of the trees bend under the weight of the snow, warding her away.

With a steadying breath, Ellie turns on her heel and returns to the shelter.  It’s overcrowded – it always is.  She gets a bland dinner and a bed with scratchy sheets, but it is better than being out there.

Ellie tosses and turns restlessly through the night; unable to close her eyes without David’s gaze staring back at her through the darkness.

There’s no reason he should’ve disturbed her so when all he offered were words of comfort.

But something about those eyes…

Ellie could swear she’s seen them somewhere before.

What sleep she does get is dreamless and morning comes with a dull, grey light.

Ellie’s body aches from the lack of sleep, but she rises with the rest of the homeless for breakfast before they are turned out into the world.

But it doesn’t feel like the same world anymore.  No matter where Ellie turns, she feels exposed; like those eyes are still watching her.

\----------

She catches sight of David first, in the waiting room, accompanied by a boy not much older than her.  Neither of them talks but they sit apart from the crowd, the boy with his arms folded across his chest and David with his hands folded and his elbows on his knees.

Ellie ducks past as quickly as she can but doesn’t escape David’s notice; he follows, gesturing to the boy to wait.  Ellie keeps on moving; she doesn’t even glance at the door to Joel’s room.

David calls out, “Little girl!  I said I’d see you again.”  She stops in her tracks, unable to pretend not to have heard him.  “How’s your friend?”

“Still hurt.”

“And yourself?”  He steps closer.

His height looms over her so much, Ellie resists the urge to shrink away.  But she holds her ground, “Lucky to make it through another night.”

“Lucky?  No, no…  No such thing as luck.  No, you see I believe that everything happens for a reason.”

“Sure,” Ellie scoffs.  Nothing in her life has happened for any reason or higher purpose that she can see; maybe he is some sort of preacher to believe some bullshit like that.

With conviction, “I can prove it to you.  Now there’s a group of folks who live out in these woods – they don’t much bother the town, so long as town folks don’t bother them.  But a few weeks back, ah… a couple of strangers started wandering into our territory.  When we went out to confront them, a number of us were ah… slaughtered by a crazy man.  And – get this – he’s a crazy man traveling with a little girl.  You see?  Everything happens for a reason.”

Mesmerized by his tale, his voice growing lower and more dangerous, Ellie suddenly realizes where she’s seen David before.  She bolts backwards, colliding into the boy with David earlier.

He shakes his head, coaxing her back to him. “It’s not your fault.  You’re just a kid.  You won’t survive long out there alone.  I can protect you.”

“No thanks,” she manages without letting her voice waver.

His eyes search her for any hint of fear or doubt, then waves his hand, “Let her go, James.”

Reluctantly, James loosens his grip.  Ellie wrenches herself away and runs, not daring to look back, not daring to see Joel.  She runs until she collapses in the snow, unable to stop herself from trembling.

\----------

Ellie doesn’t risk going to see Joel.  She can’t.

Ellie doesn’t risk going into the woods again either.  She won’t.

But she stares out into the forest from the safety of the town’s border.  The trees seem somehow darker and even closer together than before.  They seem to be closing in around the town, their roots reaching through the ground to cut off her air –

Ellie wakes with a start.  Sweating and chest heaving, expecting to see bare branches reaching for the grey sky, but it’s just the blank shelter ceiling above her.  Her bunkmate snores softly below her, hopefully in a dreamless sleep.

She rolls onto her side, but sleep eludes her for the rest of the night.

It’s been four days without news of Joel.  Four days without checking on her stash in the woods.  Four days of staying far away from the town’s edge but fearing every pair of eyes.

The dim morning light creeps in under the blinds as Ellies resolves to go see Joel.  Four days – David can’t still be waiting for her to come back.

The waiting room is near empty when she arrives.  No sign of David or his buddy-boy.

Ellie tiptoes past the reception desk and down the halls to Joel’s room.  She doesn’t breathe until she hears the steady pace of the heart monitor.

Pulling a chair up next to the bed, “I told you, I’d be back.  Sorry, it took so long.”

She curls her knees into to her chest and finally sleep catches up with her.

\----------

_Joel can’t tear his eyes off her.  The steady pace of the heart monitor assures him Sarah’s alright, but he might never let her out of his sight again._

_Tommy sighs and stretches out in the chair next to him, “Is there anything else I can do here?”_

_Joel shakes his head, about to tell Tommy to go home and rest when the doctor returns._

_“You go.  I’ll watch her.”_

_He hesitantly follows the doctor out of the room, the door shutting gently behind them._

_“How’s Sarah doing?  When can I bring her home?”_

_“We just got the x-rays back.  The injuries sustained to her leg are worse than we hoped.”_

_Joel inhales sharply, rubbing his forehead with his still bloodied hand.  Sarah should’ve been his first concern; he should’ve pulled her out of the truck, not beat the man that hit them to a pulp._

_“What does that mean?  Will she be able to walk?”_

_“Eventually,” the doctor nods.  “It will require time and treatment, but she will likely require some sort of assistance for the rest of her life.”_

_The doctor lists their options, but Joel’s not listening.  All he hears is medical expense after medical expense; he can’t even begin to imagine how he’ll pay for it._

_He stares back through the door at Sarah.  He should’ve protected her better._

\----------

The crick in her neck eventually rouses Ellie.  She drowsily rubs her eyes before catching sight of Joel’s watch.

“Shit.”

It’s late, much later than she intended to be here.  By the time she gets there, the shelter doors will likely already be closed.  To make matters worse, her stomach rumbles, but there’s no way the cafeteria’s still open.

Her stomach turns again at the thought of hunting more from fear than from hunger.  But she doesn’t have another choice.

Aside from the falling snow, the night is still; Ellie hopes the cover of darkness will conceal her from prying eyes.  But the darkness works to her disadvantage too; paths Ellie knows during the day are impossible to find by night.

Still she moves swiftly, barely pausing to look over her shoulder as she grabs the bow and quiver from her hiding place.  Snow obscures her way now too, falling fast enough to cover her tracks.

She can’t decide if that’s for better or worse, until it’s obvious there’s no game to be found.

“Fuck,” she whispers, though it is carried away on the wind.

Ellie dares to turn on her flashlight to find her way back, hungry and sore and exhausted.

She hears the cocking of the gun before she sees the barrel aimed right between her eyes.  She turns on her heel, running straight into David.

He grabs her by the wrist, “It’s a little late to be wandering the woods, don’t you think?”

Pulling her switchblade on him, Ellie swings, “Let go of me!”

But David doesn’t let go, doesn’t even flinch.  Twisting her arm, he wraps his own around her neck until the flashlight’s battery dies and the world goes pitch black.

\----------

_It’s obvious how desperately Tommy meant to hide the dogtag, but the chain catches the light as Tommy switches on the lamp._

_“What the hell is this?”  Joel practically tears it off him._

_“None of your goddamned business, is what.”_

_“Like hell it ain’t.  Are you out of your mind?  Joining up with the Fireflies?  You’ll get yourself killed.”_

_“Somebody’s gotta do something about the state of this country.  And it ain’t gonna be the fucking government –”_

_Joel scoffs, “Christ.  You really believe that bullshit Marlene spews?”_

_“It’s a damned sight better than believing in nothing.”_

_Joel clenches his fist but doesn’t swing.  Ma never would’ve let him hear the end of it for striking his little brother, even to knock some sense into him._

_Gritting his teeth, “So long as you’re wearing one of those, you’re putting Sarah at risk –”_

_“At risk of what?  Having some goddamn hope for the world?  Instead of sowing violence and fear in her like your work with Tess.  Hell, the kid’s so scared of what you’ve become, she asked me if I would –”_

_“Enough!  Get out!”_

_Tommy stares Joel down for what feels like an eternity before shoving a few things into a small bag and slamming the door behind him.  But as one door closes, another one creaks open._

_Sarah peaks through the crack, “Dad?  Is everything okay?  I heard shouting.”_

_Joel’s fingers unfurl as he reaches to brush her hair out of her eyes, “Everything’s fine, baby girl.  Go back to bed.”_

_Her limp is more pronounced without the brace as she climbs back into bed; Joel has to stop himself from chastising her for not using the crutches when she’s not wearing it at night._

_He hesitates to tuck her in, suddenly struck with the fear Tommy might actually be right._

\----------

Ellie panics silently when she wakes on a cold floor in a cage, her backpack gone – the fungus vial with it.  Her next thought is of Joel, alone and unprotected if they find him.

At the shuffle of feet in the room, Ellie pretends to still be unconscious.  She flinches at the thud of a clever on a butcher’s block.  Peering over her shoulder, Ellie wishes she hadn’t.  She gasps audibly, realizing the carcasses James is carving up are human.

James glares at her, throwing down the knife before disappearing.

Ellie scrambles to her feet and rattles the cage in desperation.  She yells with frustration as it refuses to budge.

Giving up, Ellie wipes her face on her sleeve.  There are no tears to dry, but for a brief moment, she can pretend when she opens her eyes Riley will have an amazing surprise waiting for her.

But when she lowers her arm, it is just the dismal cage and the scent of raw flesh.  And instead of euphoric dancing with her best friend, all that swirls around Ellie now are the regrets which led her here.

Should’ve listened when Marlene warned her not to interfere with Firefly affairs.  Shouldn’t have kissed Riley.  Should’ve minded her own business when Riley said she had a secret mission.  Shouldn’t have promised Sarah she could look after Joel.  Should’ve been able to help Joel…

They each put their faith in her and she failed them all.

She’s always been good at making a real mess of things, but never very good at putting them back together again.

Now it seems, she’ll never get the chance.

\----------

_It’s like with Tommy all over again, except Sarah comes clean of her own accord.  And yet somehow that just makes matters worse.  She hands him the acceptance letter and waits for him to say something – anything, but all his words keep sticking in his throat._

_Swallowing, “You uh – used your uncle’s address.”_

_“Better tuition fees for state students.”_

_“Plenty of state schools in Boston.”_

_“Well, maybe I don’t want to stay in Boston!” Sarah snaps._

_There it is: the bitter truth of the matter.  She’s sick of this place, of his work, of him._

_Reading him better than anyone, “I’m sorry, dad.  I didn’t mean it like that.”_

_“Then how did you mean it?”_

_“You’ve been looking out for me for so long – gave up so much for me.  It’s time I found out if I can look out for myself.”_

_“In Wyoming.  With Tommy.”_

_“I knew you wouldn’t like it one way or another.  But Uncle Tommy can keep an eye on me and still give me my independence.”_

_“Like he taught you to shoot without my permission?”_

_Sarah holds her tongue, waiting for his anger to pass.  It’s still a sore point, the pair of them going behind his back while Tommy was running with the Fireflies._

_But then moving out to Wyoming seems to have worked out for Tommy, disassociating from Marlene and finding himself good, steady work.  Perhaps it’s what’s best for Sarah too._

_Joel breathes in deep, “You’re right.”_

_“I’m right?”_

_“You’re growing up.  I can’t shield my baby girl from the world forever.”_

_Sarah wraps her arms tight around him, “I’ll always be your baby girl.”_

\----------

James doesn’t return, but David does with a tray of food, “Figured you might be hungry.”

“So, you thought you’d bring me a helping of soylent green?”

Though amused, he shakes his head, “No.  No, it’s deer meat.  I promise.”

He slides the tray beneath the cage door, but even repulsed, Ellie’s stomach growls.  It’s been so long since she last ate, and escaping will require every bit of strength she can muster.

“You’re a fucking animal,” she spits then shovels as much food as she trusts into her mouth.

“Awful quick to judgement.  Considering you and your friend killed how many men?”

Ellie swallows, but doesn’t correct him, “They didn’t give us a choice.”

“And you think we have a choice?  We have to take care of our own.  By any means necessary.”

“By chopping up people into tiny pieces?  You fattening me up to do the same to me?”

David chuckles lightly, “I’d rather not.  Please tell me your name.”  He even smiles gently.

Ellie’s stomach churns; she can’t tell if it’s the food or because of him.  “You’re so full of shit.”

“On the contrary, I’ve been ah… quite honest with you.  I believe you can come around, that you’re special, but the others – they’ll need convincing.  Help me, help you,

David reaches his hand through the cage, brushing her fingers.  She wills herself not to flinch at his touch; forces herself to draw nearer, ever more thankful for the protection of the cage as he does the same.

Lacing her fingers with his, Ellie jerks them upward, but she can’t relish in the sound of the snap, diving through the bars for the keys on his belt.  David pulls backward, slamming her against the cage hard as he can to loosen her grip and shaking Ellie to the ground.

“Oh fuck…” she holds her head to stop the world from spinning.

“You stupid, little girl!”  The veneer of sincerity has utterly vanished, “You are making it very difficult to keep you alive!  What am I supposed to tell the others now?”

“Tell them that… Ellie is the little girl that broke your fucking finger!”

“How did you put it?  Hmm?  Tiny pieces?”  His chuckle rasps, “See you in the morning, Ellie.”

\----------

_Sarah fiddles with the radio dial._

_“Hey, I was listening to that,” Joel protests, reaching for the controls to turn it back._

_But Sarah swats his hand away, sticking out her tongue.  “I’m not about to let your old, boring music ruin my night.”_

_“Oh ow.  That’s no way to treat your old man on his birthday –”_

_“Stsh.  Your birthday was yesterday,” she smiles, knowing full-well he would’ve just let the day pass right on by if she hadn’t stayed up to give him his birthday present._

_“Even so, Robert Johnson’s not boring.  His blues progressions were the basis for –”_

_“Yeah.  Yeah,” she rolls her eyes.  “Sing a different tune, dad.  Ooo!  The Halican Drops!”_

_Joel will admit they’re not the worst band Sarah listens to; it could be far worse.  Besides, he isn’t about to spoil Sarah’s night._

_Finally settled on a station, Sarah tells him all about her start of the season pizza party and all her new teammates.  Joel has a hard time following who’s who exactly, but it seems like a good group of girls this year.  Win or lose, they’ll have a fun season._

_The band’s drummer breaks out into a solo, but the next crash isn’t of cymbals.  Joel doesn’t even see the truck that hits them; no headlights on, swerving down the road, twenty miles over the speed limit through the red light at the intersection._

_All he knows is the crushing sound of the passengers’ side caving in.  And the falling sensation of their truck spinning over and over._

_And then he hits the ground, metal rod piercing his gut_ – Joel eyes snap open.  He tries to sit up, but the pain from his dream doesn’t subside.  He clutches side, taking in his surroundings.

A white curtain is pulled around the bed where he lays, monitors connected to him by wires beep frantically as he recognizes it as a hospital room.  He dimly recalls Ellie dragging him here, her at his bedside, but it’s hazy.

He calls out, “Ellie?”  But she is nowhere.  “Ellie?!”

The curtain is ripped open by a swarm of doctors and nurses, who push him back onto the bed, telling him he’s not strong enough to get up.

Grabbing one of them by the collar, Joel demands, “Where the hell is Ellie?”

\----------

They threaten to restrain him, if Joel doesn’t lie back down.  A guard is stationed outside the door in case he tries anything again.

Meanwhile, they fuss and fret over his having pulled a few stitches out; Joel couldn’t care.  Not one of them has a damn clue what’s happened to Ellie.  She’s been out there on her own all this time, he has no idea where or for how long.

“Ellie’s the girl who would come to visit you, right?” one of the doctors asks as she sews him back up.  “Brown hair.  Green eyes.  Slight, little thing about – yea high.”

Joel grunts in response.

“She was in here nearly every day looking after you.”

“What happened to her?”

Shaking her head, “I’m not sure.  Refused to talk to family services, after a while we figured it was best just to let her be.”

He doesn’t know why he bothered asking; their answers are all the same.

“I doubt it will help, but I saw her talking to another man, the other day.  She looked spooked.”

Joel watches the doctor intently as she finishes her work, but if she knows anything else, she doesn’t offer it up.

She leaves the curtain drawn back, pausing at the door, “I hope you find her.  It’s not safe around these parts.”

If only someone had told them that sooner.

\----------

Someone’s been watching him, Joel’s sure of it.

He first noticed them when the doctor left, but it wrote it off as paranoia.  But years of doing his own stakeouts have taught him better than that.

When the doctor comes back to bandage him up, Joel nods in the man’s direction, “He’s not a patient, is he?”

She shakes her head, “Not rightly sure who he is.  Don’t think he’s a visitor either.”

Her back turns to prep her materials, Joel gets to his feet.  Wincing with every step, he charges out the door at the man and slams him against a wall.

Through gritted teeth, “The girl… is she alive?”

“What girl?  I don’t know no girl.”

The guard is on them in moments, but he’s no match for the anger fueling Joel.  The doctor tries her damnedest to coax him out of any rash actions, but Joel’s not in a listening mood.

He bashes the man’s head against the wall.  “That jog your memory?”

Spluttering, “Yes.  Yes.  She’s alive.  She’s David’s newest pet.”

He doesn’t know who David is, but he sure as hell will know Joel by the end of this.  “Where?”

“The abandoned resort – where he and his followers hide out.  I fucking swear.”

The pain finally catching up with him, Joel drops the man, “That’s alright.  I believe you.”

He doesn’t resist as the guard pins his arms behind his back.  The doctor looks at him with a terrified sort of pity.  Appealing to her mercy, “I have to find her.  Where’s this resort?”

\----------

James yanks Ellie from her cage.

“Get off!” she shouts, struggling in his grasp.

But he is so much bigger than her and easily hauls her onto the butchers table, raising the clever above her head.

“James!  What are you doing?”

“She killed them, David!  It’s what she deserves!”

“That’s not for you to decide,” David seethes.

Ellie can’t guess what David has planned for her that James doesn’t agree with – she doesn’t give a shit.  She sees her chance.

Ellie kicks James in the groin and rolls out of the way as the clever falls from his hand.

David lunges at her, but Ellie is quicker.  She doesn’t know where this sudden surge of strength came from, but she can’t stop to question it.  Dashing through the door, she stumbles through darkened rooms and out into a blinding white snowstorm.

“Shit,” she swears, but it is lost on the wind.  “What the fuck is wrong with these people?”

\----------

On the doctor’s word, Joel is discharged, but even she can’t dissuade him from following the task force headed for the resort.

The police captain promises her that he’ll keep an eye on Joel.  Joel thinks that has more to do with his outburst than concern for his wellbeing, but he’ll take it.  Whatever gets him to Ellie.

Joel only dimly listens to the captain as he tells him about how the resort went bankrupt and an isolationist group moved into the abandoned structures.  How they’ve suspected for some time it was a cult of some sort.  How they suspect they’re responsible for the disappearances throughout these parts.

Joel’s focus is on the rapidly disappearing road.  The blizzard blows violent gales ahead of them.

His stomach churns.  He chalks it up to his abdomen being on the mend, but in the back of his mind, he knows they aren’t making good time.

For the first time in decades, Joel thinks of praying.  Sarah’s bedside was the last time he came close.  But ma didn’t instill the practice in either of them well enough for Joel to turn to God.

_But God, hasn’t Ellie suffered enough?_

\----------

Every bit of shelter Ellie finds from the storm is swarming with David’s men.

As a search party passes her by, she whispers to herself, “Okay.  I can do this.”

Her size is more to her advantage than it ever has been as she crawls under tables and through small holes, avoiding their search.  It’s catching her breath that’s the hardest part of not giving herself away.

She wishes she had her pistol or her switchblade.  Or anything she could defend herself with.

Ellie doesn’t doubt any of these men would kill her, if given the chance.  The only mercy she might find is with David, but she wants to run into him least of all.

Her world transitions from black to white as she runs back out into the snow.  She thinks of making a break for the trees, but if David’s men don’t kill her, the blizzard certainly will.

She looks for a way into the next building instead.  The door handle gives way to a restaurant kitchen when she tries it; all empty.

 _Some luck at last._   Ellie lets herself breathe easier, bolting for the exit.  She braces herself for the cold again, hoping against hope this will be her way out.

But when she pushes the door open, David pounces, forcing Ellie to the ground.  She scrambles backwards on her elbows, but it is not quick enough to get away from him.

Brandishing a machete, “You aren’t giving me much of a choice, Ellie.”

David swings and Ellie sprints out of sight.  “Fuck.”

He chuckles, “That’s alright.  There’s nowhere to go!  We’ll make a little game of this.”

Ellie covers her nose and mouth with her hand, desperate not to make another sound.  She can’t keep this up much longer.

Across the restaurant there’s a smashing of glass and the scent of smoke.  Ellie can’t help the small gasp that escapes her as she realizes the building’s on fire.

“Ready or not.  Here I come.”

\----------

Gunfire rains down on them from structures they can’t even see.  The line of police cars come to a screeching halt.

The captain shouts orders to his task force, who continue forward by foot behind their riot shields.  He shouts something at Joel too, but Joel doesn’t have the patience for this anymore.

As the police draws most of the fire and attention, Joel ducks behind cover.  Ignoring the pain in his side, he makes better ground than the rest of them, though he has to choke a few men out and bash in a few heads to get there.

If his breaking past adversary lines helps the police, all the better, but Joel doesn’t look back to check.

Narrowly avoiding being spotted, Joel slips through the nearest doorway.  Stockpiles of musty clothes and blankets line the room, but it’s the brightly patched backpack that catches his eye.

He’d know Ellie’s backpack anywhere.  She’s here.

Slinging it over his shoulder, Joel moves into the next room.  His stomach churns again at the sight of slaughtered men and women hanging from meat hooks.

“Oh Christ.”

Pushing down the bile in his throat, Joel pushes past them too.  He refuses to believe Ellie is among them.

Finally finding an exit, he expects the winds to blow him backward.  But it is the blaze from the building across the way, which forces Joel to recoil.

“Holy shit.  Ellie…”

\----------

David stalks around the buffet, checking beneath each booth, forcing Ellie to keep on the move.

“You can’t hide from me forever, you know!”

Between David and the fire, Ellie would rather take her chances with the fire.  She edges closer, sweat pouring from her brow.  There’s another crack of glass.  Ellie winces as she realizes it’s underfoot.

David whips around, meeting her eye, “Gotcha.”

Ellie is frozen in place, despite the flames at her back and David charges.  He grabs her by the throat; Ellie pulls and tears at his arm, but she is losing breath and battle too quickly.

Spitting in her face, “Y’know, it’s okay to give up.  Ain’t no shame in it.”

“Fuck you.”  She hits him weakly, palming at anything which might force him to let go, when her switchblade falls out of his pocket into her hand.  A quick prod is enough to startle him just for a moment.

“You got heart,” he chuckles.  “But it won’t save you.”

“Come and try me, you fucker!”

Ellie isn’t any more ready for his attack this time, but she’s going to fight like hell.

\----------

Whatever strength Joel has left, he puts into pushing against the wind and snow and burning heat.  He doesn’t see the two men leap at him from the storm, staggering his stride.

They focus their blows on his abdomen, but even as the fresh sutures burst, Joel’s only thought is to get to Ellie.  There’s a gunshot as the last stitch comes undone.

One of the men falls to the ground, his blood splattering across the snow.  Then the other.  The task force has arrived, clearing out every building except the one where Ellie is.

“What are you doing?” the captain shouts as Joel sprints the remaining distance.

The air is so thick with ash he can barely see, but the sounds of a struggle lead him through the dark; followed by the heavy-booted footsteps of the task force.

Through the smoke, he finds her.  By some miracle, Ellie has the upper hand, pinning a man to the ground, a machete buried in his shoulder.  He is just barely managing to hold her off from yanking it out and using all her might to try again.

Grabbing her from behind and pulling her off the man, “Ellie!  Stop!  Stop!”

But she fights him too, “No!  Don’t fucking touch me!”

Terrified she will lunge at the man, Joel loosens his grip, but doesn’t let go.  Trying to get her to see clearly, he spins her around, “Sshh.  Sshh.  Ellie, it’s me.  Look.  Look.  It’s me.”

She does, her face streaked with hot tears. Recognition washes the rage from her, “Joel?”

“It’s me,” he takes Ellie’s face into his hands and brushes away the tears.

“Joel!  He tried to –”

“Oh, baby girl…”  Pulling her close, she stifles a sob into his chest and Joel buries his face into her hair.  “It’s okay.  It’s okay.  It’s okay now.”

But the fire at his back reminds him they are far from okay.  Joel coaxes Ellie to her feet, leading out of the burning building and where the police round up the remaining men, shielding her from their glares.

And eventually the snow blocks them both from view.

\----------

Joel keeps his arm around Ellie to keep her from shaking too badly; her head rests against his chest.  Not a word is spoken between them.

The captain sees to it personally that Joel and Ellie are escorted back to the hospital.  Oxygen masks are pulled over their heads as soon as they walk through the door.

Joel’s wound is tended to again by the same doctor.  For Ellie’s sake, she only gently chastises him for undoing her work, and makes sure Ellie’s scrapes and bruises are seen to as well.  But no matter what the doctor recommends, they refuse to stay any longer than necessary.

The motel room is quiet and clean; Joel didn’t realize how heavy his head was until he drops their backpacks on the floor.

He sinks onto the bed, Ellie curling up next to him.  They let the silence wash over them.

Joel forces himself to stay awake, until he’s sure Ellie’s fast asleep.  He wraps an arm tight around her.  If bad dreams come, they’ll have to get through him first.


	4. Spring

Most mornings Joel is awake before Ellie, but her fitful sleep must have kept him awake through the night.  Ellie resists unfurling from his side until her mind is too restless to stay still.

A thin line of sunshine peeks through the curtains, taunting Ellie as she pulls a flannel over her pajamas and slips on her sneakers.  Squinting, she steps outside.  She shivers against the cool breeze, but she won’t be out here long enough to go back for her coat.

It’s still splattered with dry blood anyway.

Out on the street corner, Ellie has a staring contest with the old payphone, willing herself to pick up and call Riley.

Ellie’s not even sure the payphone works anymore – the thing must be a billion years old.   She thought about using Joel’s cell again, but when the hospital returned his things, it was smashed by the fall.

What would she even say to Riley?  How could Riley understand what happened?  How much has changed or how much Ellie needs her right now?

Breathing deep, Ellie braces herself and lifts the phone off the hook.

Nothing.  No dial tone.  It’s dead.

 _So much for that._ Ellie slams the phone back down.  She drags her feet through the fresh mud as she trudges back to the motel room.

The bitter cold lingered, after the storm, but slowly the snows have begun to melt away.  With each day their departure becomes ever more likely; the mechanic called the motel only a few days ago to say he had retrieved Tommy’s truck and repairs were under way.

That news should’ve been a relief.  Ellie wishes they were already far, far away from here, never to come back.  But instead, she’s hesitant.  The motel has become her whole world.  Beyond its boundaries, Ellie has no idea what they’ll find.

Joel’s on the motel room phone when Ellie returns.  He cuts the conversation short as she settles onto the unslept in bed.

“Hey, good news, kiddo.  Truck’s fixed.”

“Oh.  Great.”

Joel doesn’t buy it, but he doesn’t press either.

\----------

Negotiating recovery and repair costs takes over an hour; Ellie tunes them out after the first six minutes.  But eventually Joel pays over several cards and a handful of cash.

“Tommy’s gonna owe me big time.”

Ellie just nods.

After the truck, they collect the guns from Ellie’s hiding place.

Her heart sinks a little when she realizes the bow and quiver were lost to the woods the night she was captured.  During her time alone, her quiet hunts became a sort of solace as well as survival.

“We’ll find you another one,” Joel assures her.  Though she can’t think where they would just find another one on their way to Salt Lake City.

Climbing into the passenger seat, Ellie stows her backpack at her feet and leans against the window to watch the town disappear.  The lake glistens in the afternoon sun, but the view is marred by the dark spot on the far shore.  She stares at it warily until it too is finally out of sight.

“How about some music?”  Joel switches on the radio, Tommy’s CD blares through the speakers.  Turning it down, “Does he have anything else?”

Ellie flips through the collection again, reading off band names and album titles.  Joel stops her when she comes to something labeled ‘Iron & Wine: The Creek Drank the Cradle’.  Joel chuckles it must be Maria’s because there’s no way Tommy would listen to it of his own accord.

That’s the CD Ellie puts on.  It’s soft and meditative as the hills roll by and sleep finds Ellie easier than it has in weeks.

Her eyes flutter open occasionally to see deer lingering at the edge of the road and the mountains shrinking in the sideview mirror.

She doesn’t fully believe it, but Ellie hopes it’s all behind her now.

Whatever comes next can’t be nearly as scary as what she just lived through.

\----------

Joel yawns too loudly for it to be real, but Ellie’s in no rush to push through the night.  They’ll be in Salt Lake City tomorrow, one way or another.

Joel takes the far bed, leaving a space for Ellie.  But Ellie hesitates to curl up next to him, as has become their custom.  She’s going to have to get used to sleeping alone eventually, if not now, when?  And at least Joel is here if she needs him.

Ellie crawls into the other bed, trying not to fear what dreams sleep might bring.

A plane falling from the sky.  Passengers screaming, crying.  Only she can reach the controls, but she doesn’t know how to use them.

She doesn’t feel the crash and burn, but when her eyes snap open, Ellie knows how it must have ended.  Blearily, Ellie rubs her eyes; it wasn’t the most restful sleep, but she made it through the night.

Joel’s already ready to go, sipping coffee on a bench outside.  Ellie grabs an untoasted bagel from the meager breakfast buffet and joins him.

As she chews, her mind wanders back to the dream.  It’s strange.  She’s never been on a plane before; she doesn’t understand how she could have dreamed about it so vividly or how the terror could have felt so real.

“…Whaddya say?  Huh?”  Joel’s voice comes out of a haze, “Ellie, I’m talking to you.”

“Huh?”

“Did you hear a word I said?”

Ellie opens her mouth to reply, but nothing comes out.  It’s no use pretending when they both know she was somewhere else completely.

Sighing, “Never mind.  It was a stupid idea anyway.”

Joel finishes the dregs of his coffee in silence.  Ellie doesn’t mind silences with Joel usually, but this is different.  Like she missed something important.

But the moment passes by, and it seems Joel has moved on.  Ellie’s ready to be on their way too.

\----------

Their silence continues along the road to Salt Lake City.  Joel doesn’t request the radio.  Ellie zones in and out.

Loud and clear, Joel’s voice brings her back to reality again, “Everything all right?”

“Yeah.  I’m fine,” Ellie nods.

“You just kinda seem extra quiet today.”

“Oh sorry.”

“No, it’s not… It’s fine.”

It’s not really.  Ellie knows it’s not.  Joel wouldn’t be trying to coax her to talk to him if it was, but she doesn’t know what to tell him.

He lets the matter go as they merge onto the interstate.  More and more signs boast Salt Lake City attractions, heralding the end of their journey at long last.

\----------

Ellie’s jaw drops.  “Oh my god.”

Trying to keep his eyes on the road, “What is it?  Ellie?”

“Stop the car!  Stop the car!  You gotta see this!”

“What the hell –?”  In a glimpse Joel must have spotted it too as he pulls over.

One giraffe and then another and another rise above the trees, moving as if through water toward the highway.

Ellie rolls down the window and leans out, awestruck, “You see this?”

“Yeah, I see,” Joel croaks, assuring her it’s not a dream.

As they come closer, Ellie swears she could reach out and touch one of their noses as they graze, but she doesn’t dare for fear of breaking the spell.  She’s so utterly transfixed, she doesn’t notice Joel get out of the truck.

She hisses at him as he approaches cautiously, “Shhh… Don’t scare it.”

“I won’t…  I won’t…” he whispers.  Daring what Ellie only dared imagine, Joel gently strokes the giraffe’s neck and softly beckons, “Come here.”

Ellie can’t leap from the truck quick enough, slowing as she gets nearer.  But the giraffe wasn’t spooked by Joel, it isn’t frightened of her either.  Breath taken, “So fucking cool.”

They lean against the guardrail as the giraffe rejoins its herd.  Still, Ellie can’t tear her gaze away.  She wishes it would’ve stayed longer, but she can’t deny the view.

Joel shifts beside her, “We don’t have to do this.  You know that, right?  We can go back to Tommy’s – find another way to dispose of the fungus.”

Ellie’s taken aback.  Even in as much as Joel doesn’t care for Marlene or the Fireflies, they’ve been through too much to turn back here and now.

“It can’t be for nothing.”

Of that much Ellie’s sure.  She won’t let it all be for nothing.

\----------

Her words must’ve struck Joel harder than she intended because he reverts to his usual self.

Ellie switches the radio on to fill the silence.  She smiles to herself as an announcer reports a massive incident at the Hogle Zoo, leading to the escape of much of the African Savanna exhibit.

As the announcer warns the audience not to approach any of the escaped animals, Ellie switches the station.  She barely has time to recognize the song before Joel turns it down.

“Look, Ellie.  I know you want to see this through, but what then?”

Ellie shakes her head.  All this time, and she still doesn’t know.  Doesn’t know if Marlene will welcome her with open arms or send her away.

“Because if you want – you have a place with me.”

His voice is thick, but genuine.  Like he’s been trying and trying to reach her, but she’s only finally just heard.

“You said we could go back to Tommy’s…”

“That’s my hope.”

Ellie’s mouth falls open again.  Whatever end Ellie thought this journey might have, she never once thought it might include Joel.  That Joel would want any more to do with her.

Her heart feels lighter than it has in a long time.  Lighter than watching the giraffes.  Lighter than meeting Sarah or befriending Sam.  Or kissing Riley.

“To the edge of the universe and back,” Ellie recites.

Joel half-chuckles, “What?”

“From that comic I’ve been reading.  Once we’re done, we’ll go where ever you want.”

“Well, good.  Cause I ain’t leavin’ without you, so let’s go wrap this up.”

\----------

The highway shrinks down to narrow city streets; buildings rise up around them instead of mountains.  At long last, they’ve arrived.

Turning the radio back up, Ellie thinks they are both in better spirits.  Joel even hum along as the announcer ‘gets the Led out’.  Ellie’s convinced he’s on the verge of singing as an ostrich darts across the road.

“Joel, look out!”  Ellie’s cry is drowned out by the screech of the tires.

Cutting the wheel and throwing his foot on the break, Joel narrowly swerves around the ostrich.

But the car behind them isn’t quick enough from slamming into the truck and sending it into a tailspin.

“Shit.  Shit.  Shit,” Joel grits his teeth, desperately trying to regain control.

Ellie sees the car about to collide with the driver’s side, but her shout is cut short by the deploying airbag.  Her head is slammed against the seat and the world becomes a dim blur.

She can barely hear herself call to Joel; his massive figure slumped over the wheel.

Her vision keeps getting darker.  Her ears prick at the sound of sirens, but finally, the rattle of the ambulance lulls Ellie to unconsciousness.

\----------

Ellie groans.  Her body is sore, but intact.  She squeezes her eyes tighter, trying to block out the incessant beep of Joel’s heart monitor and go back to sleep.

Her eyes snap open, realizing that can’t be.  _Joel’s fine.  He’s fine.  No – the crash.  Where is he?  What happened?  Where am I?_

Ellie jolts upright, taking in her surroundings.  Another hospital, that much is obvious, but the monitor is hooked up to her.  Ellie starts yanking at the cords; she’s fine, maybe a little bruised, but she has to find Joel.

She is nearly off the gurney when the curtain flies open, nurses flood around the bed checking her and all their instruments.  But towering above them, just as shocked to see Ellie awake as Ellie is to see her here at all, is Marlene.

A nurse grabs Ellie by her scarred arm, and Ellie yanks it back, “Get off me.  I’m fine.”

They all look to Marlene, who nods, “Give us a minute.”

The nurses file out, drawing the curtain behind them.

“Marlene, I –”

“I can’t believe you made it.”  Then something happens Ellie has almost never seen; tears stream down Marlene’s face.  “Anna would’ve been so proud.”

Ellie’s chest swells.  She didn’t know how much she needed to hear it until Marlene said it.  To know all this wasn’t for nothing.

But she wouldn’t have made it alone.  She croaks, “Where’s Joel?  Is he alright?”

Marlene brushes away the tear streaks, “A little more banged up than you, but he made it.”

“Can I see him?”

Shaking her head, “Let him rest.  You need yours too.”

Ellie sinks back into the pillows.  She is achy all over, but she can’t stop herself from worrying.

“But there’s someone else who’s anxious to see you.”

\----------

The nurses come back to reconnect the monitors when Marlene leaves to fetch Ellie’s other visitor.  She can’t think of who Marlene could possibly mean.

But it’s not the only question that nags at the back of Ellie’s mind as she waits for Marlene’s return.

Why can’t she see Joel first?  What happened to Tommy’s truck?  How is Marlene walking freely through the hospital?  Why didn’t she ask for the fungus straight away?

She spies her backpack tucked away by the side-table.  When the nurses leave again, Ellie grabs it and roots around for the vial, but it’s not in its typical spot.  Ellie empties the contents onto the bed, shifting through all the junk she’s collected.

Nothing.

Her heart races.  How could she have come all this way to lose the vial now?

Ellie throws her backpack to the floor in frustration.  “Fuck.”

 _It must still be in the truck_ , she tells herself.  _It must have fallen out during the crash._

But deep in her gut, Ellie doesn’t believe her own lie.  She knows the vial couldn’t have slipped out because her pistol is missing too.

Someone searched her things while she was out of it.  They must have.

As Ellie steadies her breathing, she notices the commotion beyond her room has changed; she spent too much time at Joel’s bedside, not to know the sounds of a natural hospital routine.

Except for an issue of _Savage Starlight_ , Ellie shove her things back into her bag.  She’s not about to let Marlene know she suspects anything.

\----------

It doesn’t take much to pretend everything is alright when Marlene comes back; Ellie so desperately wishes it was.  Her heart’s ready to burst with forgiveness when Marlene reveals her true visitor.

“Riley?” her voice cracks.

Riley runs up and throws her arms around Ellie, “I’m so sorry.  I shouldn’t have left you.  I –”

Ellie squeezes back, barely able to tell her everything’s alright.  “It’s okay.  It’s okay.  I’m fine.”

“I’ll let you two be.  If you need anything, have the nurses let me know,” Marlene slips away.

But neither of them is paying attention, reveling in the fact they’re both still alive.  Wiping her nose on her sleeve, Ellie can’t help noticing the matching bite mark on Riley’s hand.

“Here.  I thought this might entertain you while you’re stuck here,” Riley pulls something out of her bag.  Clearing her throat, “What did the triangle say to the circle?”

“Oh!  Fuck you!  You brought me a pun book!”

“You’re so pointless!” Grinning, Riley flips through for more, “What can I say, I know _my_ girl.”

Ellie’s cheeks flush, unable to meet Riley’s eye for fear this isn’t real.

Reading aloud another, “What did the cannibal get when he showed up late to the party?”

Her stomach churns.  Riley doesn’t know what happened – how could she, but there’s a taste in Ellie’s mouth like ash.  And it’s not just the pun.  It’s this place; something’s not right here.

Before Riley can deliver the punchline, Ellie lowers the book.  “Hey Riley, where are we?  How come you and Marlene aren’t afraid of getting caught coming to see me?”

Riley’s smile dims.  This wasn’t the sort of reunion either of them had in mind.

Riley chews her lip, “I can’t tell you that.”

“Seriously?  You know Marlene’s not gonna tell me shit.”  Ellie understands the position Riley’s in, but she needs answers; she’s tired of being kept in the dark.  “Can’t you tell me anything?”

Groaning, she gives in, “Marlene’s gonna kill me, but this isn’t just a hospital.  It’s a Firefly base.  And now that you brought them the fungus, they have the leverage they need to make demands of the government.”

\----------

Riley keeps talking, but a familiar ringing in Ellie’s head prevents her from listening.  _Demands?_   _What about the government’s plan to use it on foreign nations?  Creating a vaccine?_

Interrupting, “Riley, I didn’t give the fungus to Marlene.”

Riley’s mouth hangs agape.

“I didn’t give it to her.  Someone took it out of my bag while I was unconscious.”

“Bullshit.  You came all this way to deliver it to the Fireflies, why wouldn’t you give it to us?”

It’s Ellie’s turn to be taken aback.  There’ve been plenty of times she and Riley didn’t see eye to eye, but Riley’s never accused her of lying before.

“Riley, I swear.  Marlene never told me what she really wanted it for, and I never gave it to her.”

“Why would Marlene lie about something like that?”

Ellie doesn’t have a good enough answer for her.  But she finally gets what Joel was saying all those months ago.  Plenty of people have been hurt by both sides.  Plenty more will get hurt if Marlene goes through with her plans.

She can’t sit by and watch that happen.  “Where’s Joel?  I need to see him.”

“You can’t.”

“Why not?”

The look on Riley’s face says it all.  Marlene.  Marlene’s keeping them away from each other on purpose.  Probably put Riley up to distracting her too.

Swinging her legs over the edge of the bed and grabbing her backpack, “Fuck this.”

“Ellie, wait!  Don’t go!”  Riley pleads.

Ellie halts in her tracks.  Marlene knew Riley was the one person who could convince her not to do this.  Fuck Marlene for using it against her.

Determined to find Joel, Ellie looks Riley right in the eye, “Do you really think Marlene won’t use the fungus if the government refuses her demands?”

“Someone’s got to do something.”

She’s right about that much.

\----------

The weight of her backpack on Ellie’s shoulders is a strange thing to be comforted by, but it replaces the guilt of delivering the fungus to even more desperate and dangerous people than she stole it from.

Ellie can’t believe how easily Marlene drew her in, made her believe she was safe, and this was the end of a very long journey.  How could she have been so stupid?

She has to make this right.  She has to find Joel; he’ll know what to do.

Beyond her room, Ellie doesn’t know which way to turn.

Fireflies swarm the reception desk, but most of them are too distracted to notice Ellie sneaking a peek at the patient board.  Her and Joel’s names are at the top.

His room is easy enough to find, but while there was no guard posted on her door, Joel’s earned himself a whole compliment.  Ellie hides across the way, she’ll never be able to get past them.

Ellie positions herself to dash in if any of the guards look the other way, but the door suddenly open and she has a clear view of Marlene standing over Joel.

Her voice is strong and clear, “March him outta here.  He tries anything, shoot him.”

Half the guard follows Marlene as she exits, striding straight past Ellie’s hiding place.

As angry as Ellie is with Marlene, she can’t tear her eyes away from the gun aimed at Joel’s head.  The guard orders him to get up.  Joel does as he’s told, but when his eyes flick upward, they catch Ellie’s gaze and all bets are off.

He deflects the guard’s pistol and punches him in the gut.  Ellie darts forward and launches herself onto the guard’s back.  The gun drops to the floor for Joel to pick it up, slamming the handle into the guard’s temple.  Ellie falls to the ground with the guard.

Joel checks the hall then close the door, helping Ellie back to her feet, “What the hell are you doing here?”

She wants to joke and laugh that she’s here to save his ass again, but instead all that comes out is, “Marlene lied.”

“I know.”

\----------

Joel takes the lead, Ellie the rear, as is their custom.

“Despite everything else, I don’t think Marlene was lying about Tommy’s truck.  She wanted me gone bad, so I don’t think it was too bad off after the accident,” Joel rationalizes their escape.

But they only get as far as the first floor before, Ellie stops and looks back.

“What are you doing?” Joel hisses.

“I can’t leave the vial with Marlene.”  She should’ve thought of it before they got this far.

Running would be so simple, just forgetting any of this ever happened: Marlene, the Fireflies, the fungus… Riley.  She could start over with Joel, but even if they did, a part of her knows, she’ll never be able to let it go.

With more confidence than she feels, “I have to go back.”

“It’s not your responsibility, kiddo.  This isn’t on you.”

She wishes she could believe that.

“I’ll be right back,” Ellie turns on her heel.

“No, Ellie – goddamn it.”

Ellie doesn’t look back to see if Joel is following or pressing on ahead.

\----------

There’s only one place Marlene would be keeping the fungus, Ellie’s sure of it.  Which means backtracking into the heart of the hospital, but she has to do it.

But her way is clear, their escape having drawn the Fireflies away from Marlene’s office.

Ellie searches the desk; shifting through papers, riffling through drawers.  “Come on.  Come on.  Where is it?”

The door shuts and locks with a click.  Ellie’s head snaps up to see Marlene holding the vial between her thumb and forefinger.

“This what you’re looking for?”

Ellie swallows the lump in her throat, “Why?”

“Why what, Ellie?”

“Why didn’t you just tell me the truth?”

“You wouldn’t have done it if I had.  You were always too much like Anna that way.  Agreeing with me.  Arguing about the right way to change the world.”

“Maybe you should’ve listened to her.”

Marlene scoffs, “Maybe.  But it’s too late to turn back now.”

There’s a pounding on the door.  Joel shouts her name over and over, but his voice sounds so distant as Ellie stares at Marlene, fighting back a wave of tears.

For so long, Marlene was the closest thing she had to a family.  Even after everything, Ellie isn’t willing to let that go.  Begging, “Please.  You can still do the right thing.”

The pounding continues until the door bursts open, slamming Marlene into the wall.  Ellie sinks to her knees as she watches the vial rolls from Marlene’s grasp.

Joel picks Ellie up as if she weighed nothing; the fungus only as an afterthought.  Ellie presses her face into Joel’s shoulder.

Climbing into the backseat, Ellie curls into a ball and finally lets silent tears spill onto the seat.

\----------

He puts as much distance between them and the hospital as he can before needing to fill the tank.

Ellie’s been quiet the whole ride, but at least now she’s moved to the front.

Joel starts the ignition when she finally asks, “Where’re we heading?”

“I’m taking us home, baby girl,” he kisses her temple.  He knows it’s not enough to make up for what she’s lost, but he has nothing else to offer.  “I’m sorry.”

Pulling back out onto the road, Ellie shifts in her seat.

From the corner of his eye, Joel spies Ellie tracing the scar along her arm.

She suddenly yanks her sleeve back down and breathes deep, “Back in Boston, it wasn’t my mission to steal the fungus.  It was my best friend’s.  I wasn’t even supposed to be there –”

“Ellie –” he tries to stop her from slipping down this slope, but it’s too late.

“But I keep thinking, what if I hadn’t convinced Riley to let me come?  Or what if she had been caught instead of me?”

He never did ask Ellie how she got that scar, but intuition told him it was the start of this long road.  A wound she’ll carry the rest of her life.  She shouldn’t have to.

“None of that is on you.”

“No, you don’t understand.”

He knows she’s still processing, but still the accusation stings.

Eyes ahead, Joel clears his throat, “Look.  A lot of times, things happen.  There’s no reason for them and –” he glances at the watch “– they’re not your fault.  But they happen.”

Ellie scoffs.

“I know, that’s not what you want to hear right now, but I promise, you will find a reason to keep moving forward.”

Taking his eyes off the road, Joel watches closely as Ellie tries to let his words sink in.  He’s still not sure if they have or not when she finally accepts them with a simple, “Okay.”


End file.
